Listening To Your Emotions
From time to time, I am an adult man who misses his mommy. She lives in Alaska now. Don't ask me why, 'cause it wasn't my choice. I often think about my mom and I wish she were next to me. I can't wave a magic wand and make her appear. I can't teleport myself to Alaska. I can't turn back time and convince her it's a bad idea to move.
But I still have that feeling of longing that I don't know what to do with. Phone calls and FaceTime can only do so much when it's her physical presence I'm missing. Similarly, I lost my partner a few years ago to cancer and although the techniques that I share in this blog and in my book really helped, sometimes that longing to feel Michael's presence is so intense that it hurts.
I shared this with my friend, Jackie. She suggested that I identify the emotion connected to Michael's presence and try to provide that to myself. At the same time, I found Abraham Hicks, who is an -- interesting -- character. He who put out the concept that we connect emotional needs to particular people, objects, and goals.
I was intrigued by this and wondered how I could apply this to my own life. What would my mom's presence bring that just talking to her couldn't quite provide? I would feel supported, loved, cared for, fed. Korean food, for sure. Eating Korean food gives me a sense of comfort. Oh my god. If I really break it down, what I really want is a sense of support, love, care, and comfort.
Okay, but what if I want something less healthy? Like a drug craving or an urge to text an ex-boyfriend? So, what emotional needs do those things provide? Stimulation, freedom from intense thoughts -- sheer CHAOS.
What about something more neutral -- neither inherently bad or good? Why do I love new shoes? They're fresh and clean and I like the way that the unfamiliar feel of them makes each step feel like a new experience. Or the beach? The hypnotizing crashing of the waves, the cool wind, the relief of stepping away from the bustle of the city.
A real "A-ha!" moment came when I was sitting in traffic. I was thinking, "I don't want to be sitting in damn traffic." What emotion was I associating with being stuck in traffic? I mean, the obvious one was being stuck, claustrophobic, helpless. Then I had another "A-ha!" moment. What if instead of feeling trapped and out of control, I could take this moment to breathe?
So, I started meditating and crashed my car. I'm kidding. I'm already a bad driver, let's not do that. But I did start practicing mindfulness. I put on Enya and focused on how lucky I was to be living in Los Angeles; this city is one of the most desirable places in the world to live. I immediately relaxed and was able to breathe easier. Even the usually annoying stop-and-go traffic started to feel like a dance. It had its own rhythm and I was grooving to it.
This change in focus helps with day-to-day annoyances. It also helps with bigger issues. Obviously, I still miss my mom and I will always miss Michael. Life in general is pretty challenging. But when I feel discontented and find myself projecting a sense of well-being on an object, person or life circumstance, I stop. I identify what is behind my longing and try to provide that emotion for myself.
