Q: Hi Aidan! My friend started dating a guy that might not be the best for her. He is a major player and also has been known to dabble in drug use! When my friend confronted him about his drug use, he promised not to do it any more but he continues to do it anyways… what should I do?
I wanted to expand on the answer in the video above. The most important step in all of this is to let your friend know that you will be there for her no matter what decision she makes about being with him. She needs to know that she will not be judged if she decides to stay with him and has to be free to make that choice BECAUSE! (and I have seen this happen a thousand times) if she chooses to stay with him and feels like you will be judging her for it, she will feel like she must make a choice between the two of you. GUESS WHO SHE IS GONNA CHOOSE?
“Bros before Hoes” and “Girl Power forever” is a nice thought but when it comes right down to it… If someone is really committed to being with their romantic partners, most of the times not only will She NOT listen to their friend who disapproves… she will go and ELIMINATE THIS PERSON FROM THE EQUATION. You will hear less and less from her until you fall out of touch. Which is exactly the opposite reaction! (80% OF THE TIME and Those are GOOD ODDS!)
So you are going to make sure that she is aware you are going to be there for her NO MATTER what she decides… once the safety is established, then you are going to lay out the facts and make your case as to why you think this person might not be the best choice. DO NOT GO ON A CHARACTER ASSASSINATION. What is the difference between the following two sentences? “He’s an asshole and He’s a loser” vs “He told you he wouldn’t use drugs and me and several of our friends saw him doing it”? The first one is a generic opinion based insult, whereas the second is providing evidence about what you saw. You are leaving emotions and opinions out of it and presenting the facts. That’s right. Your friend is Judge Judy and YOU are the plaintiff!
Once you make the case. You have to LET IT GO. Ultimately you cannot make someone change their minds about who they want to be with. It may be that your friend will decide to stay with this guy even though he is using drugs. You know what you are not going to say ? “YOU ARE AN IDIOT IF YOU STAY WITH THIS GUY” or.. “HOW CAN YOU DO THIS? HE’S AN ASSHOLE” NO NO NO NO NO NO. You are going to let her know that you will be there for her no matter what and LET HER LIVE HER LIFE. If more evidence comes up or if she asks your opinion you can talk to her more about it but ultimately she needs to know you will be there for her whether or not she stays with him.
Honestly. If this guy is as big of a jerk as you say he is… this relationship will probably not last and she will soon need a shoulder to cry on… and YOU will be there for her when she needs you.