Q: Hi Aidan! I started seeing a guy casually over the past 2 months and things are starting to get serious! But last week we went out and he confessed to me that he had a girlfriend already but will be breaking up with her to be with me. I asked if she knows about us yet and he said NO. I really like him and would like to continue the relation but I am afraid it is a dumb idea. What should I do?
A: RED FLAGS RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE A RED FLAGS! OMG Gurl. Sooooo many problems in this scenario that you need to consider before moving forward!
- HE’S A GUY WHO IS WILLING AND CAPABLE OF LYING TO HIS “LOVED ONES”
The fact that this is the kind of man who is not only willing but CAPABLE of lying to his girlfriend for 2 months is a serious problem! If he is capable of doing that to her he is capable of doing that do you. HOW CAN YOU KNOW HE IS TELLING YOU THE TRUTH?!? How do you know he doesn’t have 7 girlfriends on the side he is not telling you about. As easily as he is lying to her he could be lying TO YOU.
- HE IS NOT A DIRECT COMMUNICATOR
He and his girlfriend are obviously having issues but from the sound of it he is not addressing the problems in the relationship head on. If he were the type of person to do so, they would have either worked out whatever issue they are struggling with or have broken up already! People like this are DANGEROUS. Because these are the type of people who do stuff like STEAL stuff from their work because the boss underpays them and so instead of finding another job or talking to their boss, they will steal and solve all their problems in indirect and dishonest ways. Remember he can do the SAME THING TO YOU!
If at any point he feels like he is being treated unfairly by you, chances are good that he could not give you an indication that he is having a problem and instead go around and take matters into his own hands. Just like he has done with his “Girlfriend”
- HE HAS ALREADY BETRAYED YOU
You say you were dating “casually” and thing are starting to get serious. Would you have started dating casually if you had known that he already had a girlfriend? I would bet the answer is NO (Although if someone is really infatuated someone they would lie to themselves and say… “well maybe” we ALL know that this is bull crap. Please.) He lied to you and HAS BEEN lying to you about his relationship status for the past two months and he got you to believe him. That should scare the living crap out of you… Because clearly this is a person who is very pursuasive and has a tendency to lie.
Those three points should be enough to scare ANYONE OFF. But my experience has been that if someone really wants to stay in a relationship, they won’t listen to relationship advice… So should you choose to continue this relationship I would recommend proceeding with EXTREME CAUTION.
He could be lying to you about ANYTHING. He was pursuasive enough to get you to think that he didn’t have a girlfriend. He could be pursuasively lying to you about how much money he makes, what he does for a living, his “friend” who is actually his ex, his std status, what he does in his free time. ANYTHING. I know this sounds paranoid but seriously I prefer people who have NOTHING TO HIDE. Who will LAY EVERYTHING ON THE TABLE. Who does not (and cannot) lie. No Games. You are playing a game girlfriend.
You can roll the die and continue to play. But remember you will be playing HIS GAME. Best of luck to you.