The Guy I’m Dating Has a Girlfriend Already!! What do I do?!?

Q: Hi Aidan! I started seeing a guy casually over the past 2 months and things are starting to get serious! But last week we went out and he confessed to me that he had a girlfriend already but will be breaking up with her to be with me. I asked if she knows about us yet and he said NO. I really like him and would like to continue the relation but I am afraid it is a dumb idea. What should I do?

A: RED FLAGS RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE A RED FLAGS! OMG Gurl. Sooooo many problems in this scenario that you need to consider before moving forward!


    The fact that this is the kind of man who is not only willing but CAPABLE of lying to his girlfriend for 2 months is a serious problem! If he is capable of doing that to her he is capable of doing that do you. HOW CAN YOU KNOW HE IS TELLING YOU THE TRUTH?!? How do you know he doesn’t have 7 girlfriends on the side he is not telling you about. As easily as he is lying to her he could be lying TO YOU.


    He and his girlfriend are obviously having issues but from the sound of it he is not addressing the problems in the relationship head on. If he were the type of person to do so, they would have either worked out whatever issue they are struggling with or have broken up already! People like this are DANGEROUS. Because these are the type of people who do stuff like STEAL stuff from their work because the boss underpays them and so instead of finding another job or talking to their boss, they will steal and solve all their problems in indirect and dishonest ways. Remember he can do the SAME THING TO YOU!

    If at any point he feels like he is being treated unfairly by you, chances are good that he could not give you an indication that he is having a problem and instead go around and take matters into his own hands. Just like he has done with his “Girlfriend”

    You say you were dating “casually” and thing are starting to get serious. Would you have started dating casually if you had known that he already had a girlfriend? I would bet the answer is NO (Although if someone is really infatuated someone they would lie to themselves and  say… “well maybe” we ALL know that this is bull crap. Please.) He lied to you and HAS BEEN lying to you about his relationship status for the past two months and he got you to believe him. That should scare the living crap out of you… Because clearly this is a person who is very pursuasive and has a tendency to lie.

Those three points should be enough to scare ANYONE OFF. But my experience has been that if someone really wants to stay in a relationship, they won’t listen to relationship advice… So should you choose to continue this relationship I would recommend proceeding with EXTREME CAUTION.

He could be lying to you about ANYTHING. He was pursuasive enough to get you to  think that he didn’t have a girlfriend. He could be pursuasively lying to you about how much money he makes, what he does for a living, his “friend” who is actually his ex, his std status, what he does in his free time. ANYTHING. I know this sounds paranoid but seriously I prefer people who have NOTHING TO HIDE. Who will LAY EVERYTHING ON THE TABLE. Who does not (and cannot) lie. No Games. You are playing a game girlfriend.

You can roll the die and continue to play. But remember you will be playing HIS GAME. Best of luck to you.

How to Get Girls… or anything else you want in your life.

Q: Hi Aidan, I have the hardest time trying to get a girl interested in me to date. How can I make the first move without looking stupid?

A: … I have no personal experience trying to get a woman to date me and from what I understand the GAY DATING WORLD is super different from STRAIGHT DATING WORLD. I mean men are very eager to.. *ahem* men gay or straight, but women are more protective of their “goodies” which can make it more difficult for straight guys to make connections with straight women?

I enrolled the Basseri sisters to help answer the questions. Here are their top tips for picking up girls.

    1. Do it in person! In this digital age, everyone is online and girls all know that guys will go on Tinder and swipe right on 80 girls in hopes that they nab one! Doing it in person is going to be more effective because there are way less people doing it. 
    2. TRY MORE TIMES! Stop caring what these women think! Initiate conversations and if they are interested they will continue the conversation. If they are NOT interested or unavailable they will probably give you a cue (such as turning away or responding with a one word answer). But the more times you take a risk the more likely you are to succeed! 
    3. WHEN YOU ARE ASKING SOMEONE ON A DATE… APPROACH THEM WITH A TIME AND PLACE. It’s definitely safer to say something like “we should meet up sometime I’ll give you a call” or “what do you want to do”? but it’s much more effective to say “Hey. Lets go have frozen yogurt Saturday at how about I pick you up at 8PM?” 



Now please note.. there is a big difference between being willing to look stupid and just being stupid. If you are approaching a girl that you want to get to know, I want you guys to start a conversation.  DO NOT APPROACH HER AND SAY “DAMN GIRL YOU GOT A FINE ASS” but stick to neutral topics and see how she responds. Ask her how her day is going or comment on weather or something and see if she is open to conversation. THEN say she’s got a fine ass. NO DON’T I’m kidding. That comment should be reserved for after a few dates or if you score early or something. 

They also had other advice like make eye contact, read body language, etc but the real lesson here is that you might get rejected but to get what you want you must feel the fear and do it anyways.

The reason why people rarely talk to Ariana or Elana in person is because most guys are all afraid of being rejected! I know being rejected is not fun but if you play it safe… you will get safe results. The girls have emphasized how much more it means to them to approach them in person vs just chatting them up online with a vague message like “sup?”. 

Now the thing reality is you might not get the results you want by doing this. You might try to talk to this girl and she might give you the cold shoulder. She might tell you she has a boyfriend. You may be rejected. But because you really put yourself out there you will have a higher likelihood of success. The lesson here is BIG RISK = BIG REWARD. 

At the end of the day… does it really matter that some girl at a bar or grocery store or at school said no to you? NAH! So try more often and fail more often! You might suck at first and you may feel silly but if you keep trying eventually you will get the results you are hoping for.



My Friend Started Dating a Jerk! What do I do?

Q: Hi Aidan! My friend started dating a guy that might not be the best for her. He is a major player and also has been known to dabble in drug use! When my friend confronted him about his drug use, he promised not to do it any more but he continues to do it anyways… what should I do?

I wanted to expand on the answer in the video above. The most important step in all of this is to let your friend know that you will be there for her no matter what decision she makes about being with him. She needs to know that she will not be judged if she decides to stay with him and has to be free to make that choice BECAUSE! (and I have seen this happen a thousand times) if she chooses to stay with him and feels like you will be judging her for it, she will feel like she must make a choice between the two of you. GUESS WHO SHE IS GONNA CHOOSE?

“Bros before Hoes” and “Girl Power forever” is a nice thought but when it comes right down to it… If someone is really committed to being with their romantic partners, most of the times not only will She NOT listen to their friend who disapproves… she will go and ELIMINATE THIS PERSON FROM THE EQUATION. You will hear less and less from her until you fall out of touch. Which is exactly the opposite reaction! (80% OF THE TIME and Those are GOOD ODDS!)

So you are going to make sure that she is aware you are going to be there for her NO MATTER what she decides… once the safety is established, then you are going to lay out the facts and make your case as to why you think this person might not be the best choice. DO NOT GO ON A CHARACTER ASSASSINATION. What is the difference between the following two sentences?  “He’s an asshole and He’s a loser” vs “He told you he wouldn’t use drugs and me and several of our friends saw him doing it”? The first one is a generic opinion based insult, whereas the second is providing evidence about what you saw. You are leaving emotions and opinions out of it and presenting the facts. That’s right. Your friend is Judge Judy and YOU are the plaintiff!

Once you make the case. You have to LET IT GO. Ultimately you cannot make someone change their minds about who they want to be with. It may be that your friend will decide to stay with this guy even though he is using drugs. You know what you are not going to say ? “YOU ARE AN IDIOT IF YOU STAY WITH THIS GUY” or.. “HOW CAN YOU DO THIS? HE’S AN ASSHOLE” NO NO NO NO NO NO. You are going to let her know that you will be there for her no matter what and LET HER LIVE HER LIFE. If more evidence comes up or if she asks your opinion you can talk to her more about it but ultimately she needs to know you will be there for her whether or not she stays with him.

Honestly. If this guy is as big of a jerk as you say he is… this relationship will probably not last and she will soon need a shoulder to cry on… and YOU will be there for her when she needs you.





How to deal with homophobic parents!

Last week I posted a video on Instagram asking for questions for #AskAidan segment and about half the the questions were asking me how to deal with homophobic parents. Most of the questions I was getting were from folks whom while their parents disapproved of the LGBT, they weren’t necessarily EXTREME (like send you to gay to straight conversion therapy extreme, or chain you up by the bedpost extreme) so I will be addressing the people with homophobic but non-extreme parents.

I have to say that this is a topic I am very familiar with. I was raised in a very conservative and traditionally Korean household. I remember one time I had to go to church where the preacher gave a sermon equating gay people to dogs. The preacher said that since the Korean word “GAE” ,which means DOG, kind of sounds like “GAY” he reasoned that gay people were no better than dogs. What a bitch right? I was dragged to that church every week! “Drag me to Hell” indeed.

When I first came out to my mother our relationship became extremely awkward but you know what?  She accepted me. Even though it took a few years for her to comearound! She even went as far as to look for a new more LGBT friendly baptist church! (Who knew those existed)? This isn’t an isolated incident… Many of my personal friends who have had parents who were homophobic report that their parents did eventually come around.  Many have dinner together, share the holidays with one another and have many family gatherings!

I grew up in the 90s, an era BEFORE THE INTERNET (can you imagine?) A time with a lot of very negative attitudes against the LGBT community.  Fact: Did you know that in 1996 that 65% of people polled by the Pew Research Center opposed gay marriage? That means that there has been tremendous progress in attitudes towards gay people so there is hope for us all yet!

I DO NOT advocate for dealing with homophobic parents the way one might see in movies (in a dramatic way where you say “IF YOU DON’T LOVE ME YOU WON’T BE IN MY LIFE” slam the door and walk out in a flurry).  It’s real life people, be realistic. I also don’t advocate you try to arm wrestle them into submission by trying to convince them that they’re wrong. There is actually a study that says trying to prove someone wrong makes them double down on their point of view, and that is not going to help anyone. They will more than likely spout some Fox News rhetoric  #FAKENEWS!

With all that background HERE IS MY ADVICE. If you’re over 18 and not dependent on your parents I suggest you go and live your life. Create a family and community for yourself! The fact of the matter is that your parents will most likely come around (maybe not as quickly as you would like or in the way you would like) so it’s best to proceed with the creating your own life while you are waiting. Be the bigger person and let them know you love them and you are ready for them whenever. I don’t want you to let your parent’s homophobic attitudes to stand in the way of your having the fabulous life you deserve! I believe that the reason why LGBT people are so strong is that we are forced from a very young age to build our lives and shape our own destinies, where many people just continue on in the traditions handed to them. So being LGBT can be a very unique and wonderful thing! See it as an opportunity and not let negative attitudes from our loved ones get in the way of our good time in this fabulous journey.

If you are under 18 and are dependent on your parents I recommend to try to keep from rocking the boat as much as you can. This is probably contrary to the traditional advice you might see on social media. I have found that saying things that are righteous declarations tend to score well on social media. Things like… “Screw them you DO YOU NO MATTER WHAT” and “If they don’t understand you tell them off” may get you a lot of likes but it’s not very good advice for real life. Like…you still have to live at home! My advice would be to avoid unnecessary conflict if possible and let your parents come around in their own time. They WILL come around but it will only prolong the process of  if you try to (pick another saying)arm-wrestle them into it. It also doesn’t help that you are under 18. You’ll probably hear something like “WHAT DO YOU KNOW YOU’RE A JUST A KID”. So yeah… don’t bother. Try to reason with them for a bit every once in a while in a cool headed environment. If they don’t take then just save your breath and let them come around on their own time.

BUT! (and this goes for you LGBT folks under AND over 18) I want all of you to DOUBLE DOWN on efforts to create your own community outside of the home. Join a club, talk to teachers, make other LGBT and LGBT friendly friends, join an online group, go to meetups, whatever you need to do to start creating your own community. There are even some great online communities you can join! I included some links to resources below, take a look at those and get in the habit of FLOURISHING.

Comments? Thoughts? More Questions? send me an email or send me a DM on Insta. Thanks Guys!

Matthew Shepard:
No H8 Campaign: