I’m a real-life 40-year-old virgin: Five things I’ve learned

I’m a Real-life 40-Year-Old Virgin: Five Things I’ve Learned.

- Anonymous

Hi!  I’m in my 40s and, oops!... I’m still a virgin.  Sorry, Britney, I didn’t mean to drag you into this, especially given how your own sexual experience (or lack thereof in 1999) was a prime example of the problem here.  The problem is that lots of people, even whole parts of society, have very outspoken opinions about the sex lives of other individuals.  Yet nothing could be more personal and private.  The amount that someone shares about their sex life should be up to that person alone, and it certainly doesn’t change their value or the worth of what they contribute to the world!

And so I’m choosing to share a little about the experience of someone who hasn’t yet lost his virginity.  How did I end up here?

It started because I’m naturally someone who follows the rules.  I grew up in a cultural and religious context that stated sex is for marriage relationships only AND that gay relationships are not good.  That all left me feeling kind of crumby as a teenage boy attracted to other boys.  But at least there were clear boundaries and I found safety by staying within them.  The more insidious aspect of this was learning shame.  Not only did I feel shame about my desires, but my internalized shame transferred to other areas of my life.  Following the rules and being a good student became a way to perform for my own self worth – and any mistake made me feel worthless.  I also suffered from body dysmorphia, so the decision to not have sex became sadly self-protective from being judged for the way I looked.  As someone enveloped in shame, nothing was scarier than the idea of being truly known.

It all got a little more challenging and confusing as I grew up and lived through my earlier adult years.  During that time, culture changed drastically to become open, affirming, and largely sex-positive.  While my religious context did not change in the same way, my own faith did transform.  I grew to realize that love (and my inherent value as a human being who is worthy of love) is so much more important than following the rules!  I learned to see myself as valuable apart from being someone who does or does not do the right thing.  Much of the shame I experienced was uprooted during this time too.  It took many more years than I would have liked, but I feel fortunate to have grown in these ways at all.  And I’m still growing today.

Thus far, however, I have chosen to not have sex.  The more I grew to care for myself, the less I wanted to live out some wild teenage sexual experimentation that I never had the first time around. (Okay, part of me DOES want that.  I’m not asexual.  But I’m pretty sure I’d regret it afterward?)  There is clearly a ton I don’t know about all of this, but I do have a pretty unique perspective.  So, here are some things I’ve learned by being a virgin this far into my life.

5 THINGS I LEARNED

1. I want sex to be meaningful

Actually, I think sex IS meaningful to everyone.  It just has a very different meaning, depending on whom you ask.  Whether it’s viewed as casual, fun, addictive, chore-like, sacred, painful, tragic, or some combination of those, sex is an central part of being human.

As I mentioned above, I’m not necessarily looking to have a whole bunch of sex just to figure it out.  That might actually be very meaningful.  It’s just that I want something that is meaningful for my sex partner too.  I don’t want pity sex because I’m the old virgin.  And I don’t want to find sex on an app the way I order a burrito.  If you haven’t figured it out, I’m pretty old-fashioned.  I want to have sex with someone who also wants to have sex with me, and who wants to connect with me beyond that.  Maybe that’s naïve, but I want to be careful because…

2. I know that I still make decisions out of fear

I’m still on a journey of growth.  Self-awareness is a key part of that, and I would be lying to myself if I didn’t recognize that I’m stuck in old thought patterns sometimes. That is especially true about something so vulnerable as sex, previously rooted in lots of shame.  I still need to learn how to differentiate what’s fear and what is me being cautious out of appropriate self-care.  And if I realize I’m stuck in fear, maybe I need to make a big leap of faith and try something adventurous and new!  Whether or not I do that…

3. I need to be kind to myself about my process

What if I chose to have sex with someone tomorrow and it was so good that I suddenly felt like I’d been missing the fun for the last 20+ years.  It would really stink to experience something good and create the most negative possible reaction to it.  Whatever my future includes when it comes to sex and all the emotions involved, I need to have grace for myself.  I can’t change the past.  I can simply recognize that what I’ve chosen seemed to be the best at that time.  How would it help if I find myself full of regret and a new flavor of self-hatred?  Instead I hope to be thankful for what I’ve learned in the past, and look forward with hope and openness.

4. The decision is mine

As someone interested in self-growth and remaining open to new perspectives, I am happy to hear what others have to say about sex and all kinds of other topics.  But, unlike my youth when I was extremely influenced by others’ opinions, I know that my choices are now fully my own.  I can listen to all the arguments.  Yet I must remember that somebody else’s opinion is based on what worked in their life.  As good as their intentions may be, I must decide for myself.  This may be the greatest journey of growth that I’ve faced: being decisive and taking responsibility for my choices.  It’s a little bit scary, and that’s why I need to remind myself that…

5. I am more than just one thing

Aidan asked me to write about what I’ve learned as a 40-year-old-virgin.  But I am so much more than that.  I would understand completely if you question me writing this anonymously.  Didn’t this guy just write about healing from shame and growing in self-love?  Why hide!?  First, because this is the internet.  And second, I don’t want to be defined by any one aspect of my life (work, sexuality, diet, spiritual beliefs, looks, family history, etc.).  I want people to know the whole of myself, as much as any fellow human in this life can.  Unlike when I hid myself as a kid, being truly known is now the highest value I hold.  Nothing gives me more security and joy than that.  At the same time, nothing is quite so diminishing than the assumptions people make when they only know a few details about another person.  I look forward to getting to know any of you that I will meet someday.  As for the rest, I hope this gave you a little more confidence in your own evolving version of “Yay!”