5 things I learned from my conservative family
By Billy McCartney
The Year of our Lord Two Thousand and Sixteen was a rough one. Two years after the landmark, Supreme Court Marriage Equality decision the Republican party had the opportunity to update their platform on same sex marriage. But not only did they double down on their decades long crusade against the LGBTQ community they also nominated and elected a bigoted Republican President. It was rough. Boy-oh-boy would twenty-twenty come to show us up.
You know what’s worse than being an openly gay man whose parents voted for Trump? Being an openly gay man whose parents voted for Trump, TWICE. I learned a lot through all of the fights, screaming, tears and the months of silence. A lot that I WISH I hadn’t. I think, maybe, I’ve grown as a person. And now dear reader, I can grant some of my elderly gay wisdom to you.
For me, personally, the first major event in 2016 I thought would be a turning point was that moment when the Republican Party updated their party platform and refused to change their bigoted stance on marriage equality. I was sure this would change my parents' stance on the party as a whole. But while my parents have been overwhelmingly supportive of my love of nude men, they do not see gay rights as a political issue. They say, “Oh Billy, you can’t say that all Republicans hate the gays.” Yes, I can. They do, on paper. They wrote it out and then get upset when you call them on it. It’s absolutely infuriating. I would get angry, righteously angry. I would get irrationally insanely angry. Which brings me to my first lesson:
1. Don’t scream
You’re angry. I get it. It’s like all of that high school homophobia showed back up at the ten-year reunion. He’s got this horrible spray tan but everyone thinks he’s hot? And he’s being nice to you? But you know it’s fake. Fuck that guy. He was the WORST. And now he’s getting a second wind? I don’t think so. It’s so easy to get heated and angry when discussing your own personal right to exist. It’s important to keep a level head. No one likes being yelled at. You’re not changing any minds through white-hot fury.
I was unable to do this. I would go from zero to eleven at the slightest microaggression. I screamed myself into migraines. I was good at it. Nothing changed, but I felt RIGHTEOUS baby.
The problem is my family felt attacked. Yes, that was my goal. Their choice to vote for this political party felt personal to me. But to them, it wasn’t. So I went out of my way to make it personal and to make them upset. I wanted them to feel what I was feeling. It didn’t work. All I did was put them on the defensive. They came all the way to California to visit me, and I trapped them in a hotel room and started screaming. That’s not the best way to change a person's mind. It took me five years, but I finally learned to keep a level head and speak honestly. Once you can do that, you can make it personal.
2. Make it personal
Now that you’re an expert in not losing your shit, you can maybe have a calm and rational conversation with your conservative family. I failed at this over and over. I would start off all calm and rational. Then my parents would say something insane, or casually homophobic or they’d just tell me an insane conspiracy theory as if it were fact. (“Actually Billy, I heard it was ANTIFA storming the capital, in disguise.”). I would snap. Immediately the anger would return, and I’d be back at square one.
When I didn’t lose my mind, I focused on how their actions affected me. How their vote would inevitably harm me and all queer people across the country. The only time I’ve ever truly made some headway was when I very calmly and explicitly said, "Your vote is actively taking away my freedom. And if you’re voting against freedom, how can you pretend that your party is patriotic?"
3. Don’t give up ground
They keep you on your toes, these conservatives. They will look for any reason to change the subject or to make their homophobia a casual side-effect to their other political views. I regularly got hit with, “I will NEVER vote for a Democrat, for any reason.” Which okay, sure, then vote independent. Vote green party. Vote for Vermin Supreme, please! If you don’t know, do yourself a favor and google Vermin Supreme.What a legend. Vermin Supreme 2024.
Regularly they would cite other issues as the reason that they support bigotry. They would cite taxes or the economy or small government, which is hilarious. Especially coming from the party that tries to regulate who you can sleep with, who you can marry, and what you can do with your own body. And then they would use those same reasons as to why I should support the Republicans. As hard as it is, you cannot concede to their way of thinking. Do not back down, do not give them an inch, don’t scream, but stand your ground. Fundamentally this is an argument about human rights disguised as a political discussion. Don’t let them make it about taxes.
4. It’s ok to take a break
I love my parents. I love them so much. There was a period in time where I would call them every single day, just to check in and say hello. But as we approached the 2020 election, and especially after the January 6th attack by Conservatives trying to destroy our democracy and our constitution, I felt completely exhausted. I drifted away. I stopped calling. I went two months without speaking to them, entirely for my own well being. And you know what? It was fine. We slowly started talking again. We avoided politics. Sure, nothing is resolved, but the relationship is slowly getting better. I know this conversation is nowhere near over, and that I’ll have it again. But the break was necessary, it allowed me to reflect and not spend every day angry. And now, when the conversation comes up, I’ll have a plan.
But these conversations can be hard, and they can be traumatic. Which leads to my final lesson:
5. It’s not your job to be a teacher
It’s hard to have these conversations, especially with family. When you’re a queer person talking to someone about how their conservative beliefs affect you, they expect you to be an authority on the subject. You are now the professor giving a lecture on queer culture and gay history; any mistake you make is used as a reason to discredit you.
It’s okay to step back and say, “You know what, it’s 2021. It’s not my job to teach you not to be a bigot. Do your own research and come back to me when you’re ready.” You don’t need to put yourself through that if it’s too much to handle. Straight people will inevitably make their ignorance your problem. It’s not. It’s theirs. If they can’t handle it, then maybe you’ll never be as close as you want. And maybe that’s okay.
I love my conservative family members, but they have hurt me in ways they refuse to understand.I will always love them. I’ll come home, I’ll visit, I’ll send gifts for birthdays and holidays. But I will not feel guilty about a strained relationship. I didn’t cause that; they did.
It’s not your job to struggle and suffer. Surround yourself with people who lift you up, and people who love you. I have my fantastic supportive partner and a sister who has always stood by my side. And I have parents who love my partner and love me. They just voted for Trump twice, and I do not forgive them. But maybe with enough patience, they’ll come around. And that’s good enough for me.
