Healing my relationship with my mother - 5 things I learned

Hey Guys! 
It's Mother's Day weekend. Today’s post is about healing my relationship with my mother.
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I have a great relationship with my mother, now. She is someone I call for emotional support and vice versa. She is a great lady, with amazing will and strength. However, our relationship has not always been so perfect. In Korea, she was a single mother. She ran a video store, and we lived in the back room. She was in her early 30s younger than I am now, so understandably she was under tremendous amounts of stress. Christianity was something that she held on to. Her religion brought her comfort and safety. Unfortunately, the kind of Christianity that was available to her at the time was very divisive and judgmental, especially against LGBTQ people. And you know, I’m gay! For many years after I came out to my mom as a gay, my relationship with her was fractured. We were forced to face a lot of unhealed wounds. So in honor of Mother's Day, I want to talk about our journey to heal; how we built the amazing relationship we now have. 

Here are 5 things I learned:

5) She did the very best that she could
My mother was a single mother in Korea during a time which was very judgmental against single mothers. My father had a whole other family on the other side of the country. She found this out while she was pregnant, and after they had set a wedding date. Obviously this was very traumatic for her. His lie was a huge betrayal. But despite his lie and under family pressure she tried to make it work with him. She decided to cut him off when I was four years old. It was 1989. The year Taylor Swift was born, before internet, no parenting guides, no support for her.

The place where she could find some support was the church.
So it’s understandable that she really adopted the values advocated by the church. When there were no other resources she could find some comfort, a community and acceptance as a single mother.

Essentially she was rescued by the church. I remember these people.
From age four to seven they really were like family to me, they treated me well. Koreans have a warmth about them. Once they decide that you are ‘in their tribe’, you can do no wrong.

I had a friend who worked as a stewardess for a Korean airline. She would consistently go off on the customers. During her probation period on the job, the company was hard on her. Eventually, they were like, well ‘it happens.’ The airline sided with her, like you side with family. That was what being in the church was like for me from four to age seven.

I can't blame my mom for lining up with the church. Yes, she had some meltdowns. Yes, she practiced some corporal punishment, not extreme but I was hit with a broom stick. That is just what you did in Korea. The teachers would hit us just for talking!

There are things that I could be angry at my mom about:
the ‘corporal punishment’ or causing me to feel responsible for things as a six year old when I didn't know any better, and her religion. She was managing her best in a tough situation. No one should be expected to be perfect. That’s pressure. Understanding this helps me connect with her.

4) I was not perfect
You know as a teenager; I fought a lot with my mom. I would berate her for not being stronger. In my teen years I had kind of a bull doze your way through life attitude. Make it work, make it work! This was before Project Runway. In the past, if I would see my mother be emotional over a situation, I would berate her. I would say things like,  "Get it together mom no one cares.”

I think about this and feel bad. I wish I would have known better than to hurt my mother. Just like her, I really was doing the best that I could with what I comprehended. I didn't know how to handle certain things.This was 2002. It was dial up internet, AOL you got mail!

This was all before social media or anything that would have taught me about proper behavior. I feel bad, but you don't know what you don’t know.
So just like I have to forgive this for her, I have to forgive myself and give myself some grace. If not, here is what can happen… If I’m not aware and I have guilt or shame about how I treated my mom, guess what? Seeing her will trigger that negative feeling. I may distance myself from her because I don't want to feel bad. The opposite of what I want. So if I want to foster a good relationship with her, it's best to give grace to her and myself.

3) It's about understanding her
You know I don’t like the concept, show love anyway.  This idea implies there is something wrong with her. Here is what I learned that really brought us close. It's not about loving her anyway. It's more about, understanding her. In my observation she is someone who values comfort, kindness, and she does not like to make anyone feel bad which is wonderful. However, sometimes she has a hard time saying things directly. I, on the other hand, am a bull in a China shop. I am direct, honest and driven which is great in some ways but I sometimes hurt people's feelings.

What I value and what she values is kinda opposite. Understanding the value in what she values really helped me get close to her.  There is totally a wonderful benefit to having a mother emotionally tuned in, kind, thoughtful and gentle. These are great qualities! Qualities that are not natural to me. So taking the time to understand her values and fostering those same qualities in me is best practice;  Doing this allows her to be her, and allows me to be me. It all allows a safe space for us to honor each other's great qualities. Having her in my life is a major plus. I am very lucky because not everyone can say that about their parents.

2) I’m grateful for all she has done
She has done a lot for me! I have so much to be grateful for. There were several reasons why we came to the United States. One, I was a gay flamboyant kid. Some kid at school said he couldn’t hang out with me because I don't have a father. He said, “That is why you act like THAT! I responded act like what?!! I ran home crying. My mother like the lioness that she is confronted the family. She said to me, “You are not going to be treated this way. We are moving to the U.S. where I will not be discriminated against for being a single mother!”
Which was hopeful, and it is a lot better here than in Korea.

When I came out to her 15 years ago it was really hard for her. My news really forced her to confront her values as they related to her faith. In 2008, gay marriage was passed and she begged me not to marry a man. I said, "I don't know if I can make that promise." To which she responded, “How could you choose a man over me?” I said, “Because he's not the one giving me an ultimatum, you are." There was a nicer way to resolve this.

Over the years she has really worked to soften her stance. She even switched churches; same denomination but not so judgmental against gays. She worked to understand me. She was there for me when my Michael passed away from cancer three years ago. She is encouraging and loving. A few months ago she said something to me that really stuck with me. "I am happy that you are happy. You seem happy doing what you want to do. I am so happy you are happy.”

1) I decided I wanted a good relationship with mom
Above anything that encouraged my relationship with her was my decision to have a good relationship with her.

There are reasons to love her and there are reasons to be resentful toward her. Naturally her loving acts far outweigh the things to be resentful of.
I choose to have a good relationship with her. If not, my focus would be all over place. With my focus all over the place, I could easily fixate on things she did and spiral into things to be unhappy about.

No mother is perfect. If you look at your mom, I bet you could discover both good and bad qualities and depending on what you focus on. You can choose to foster a warm understanding and compassionate relationship. Or you can choose to foster a contentious resentful relationship. If there are unhealed wounds, you can choose to address them. You can choose to work on them!

I made a decision that my relationship with my mom is extremely important to me. I do my part to try to foster a great relationship with her. I am grateful for her. I’m compassionate of her experiences. I honor her values and show grace for her imperfect things. I am also going to do the same for myself. I am grateful for what I have done right. I am compassionate for my experience. I will honor my values and show grace in ways I was unperfect.

A relationship is a two person game. Both of us deserve to be loved, honored and valued. That will definitely foster a great relationship between the two of us! 
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Aidan Park
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