An abusive relationship: 5 things I learned
Five Things I learned from my Abusive Relationship.
by Comedian Rosie Tran - VISIT ROSIE’S WEBSITE
Being in an abusive relationship is never fun. I was young, naïve, and had a lot to learn about life and relationships when I got into a relationship with someone who I thought was Mr. Right. He turned out to be the definition of Mr. Wrong. He was manipulative, verbally and physically abusive, mentally unstable, and I even feared for my life at points. I have moved on to being in a long term and happy marriage, and I learned a lot about myself along the way. Here are the biggest lessons I learned from being in and surviving an abusive relationship:
TRUST YOURSELF. When I was in my abusive relationship, my ex was always trying to get me to question myself. But the only person that has all the answers is the person in the mirror. I even had friends come forward after we broke up to tell me they felt the relationship was unhealthy but while I was in it everyone felt “uncomfortable” to come forward. I could say something about ditching those “fake” friends, but actually I understand. It’s a tough situation to watch someone be with Mr. Wrong, and you don’t know if it’s your place to say something. The reality is no one knew the extent of the abuse, except me. So, it was up to me to listen to myself and leave when things didn’t feel right. By pushing away those doubts about the relationship just to feel “loved”, I was allowing an abuser to take advantage of the situation. It is not my fault at all that I was abused, but it was my responsibility to protect myself and leave when the signs started.
FIX YOURSELF. A lot of people get into relationships to be saved or save someone else. When you are looking for someone to fix you, you’re not really doing any of the work. You’re also primed for abusers and manipulators to come in and take advantage. It sounds cliché but being alone is the best thing you can possibly do, if you feel broken. After I was in an abusive relationship, I had to take some time off to really be with myself to understand how I allowed myself to end up with someone that was unstable. Once I focused on myself and my own healing, I was able to attract a truly healthy and loving relationship.
PROTECT YOURSELF – LIKE, LEGALLY. My Ex actually exhibited criminal behavior by assaulting and threatening me during our relationship and stalking me after it ended. My biggest mistake was not seeking legal aide asap. Domestic situations are the toughest to prove because a lot of it is considered he said-she said. Documenting things as they happen within the legal system is the best way to protect yourself even if nothing comes of it. I was too worried about what some of our mutual friends would think instead of protecting myself legally.
BE GRATEFUL – Okay, so it’s really hard to look at a horrible situation and feel gratitude, but the truth is, good things come from bad, too. My ex introduced me to pet ownership, and my pets are my life. That doesn’t mean I want to see or talk to him again, but there were positives that came out the relationship that I can appreciate. Because I had my dog, I was introduced to another pet friend whom I eventually met my husband through a serious of events that could not have occurred if I did not have a dog. There was no way I ever would have had a dog before my ex because I was scared of animals. If you are sitting in the aftermath of a messy and bad relationship and you see absolutely nothing positive. Know that it might take a little more time to see God or the Universe’s plan for that relationship to play out.
DON’T DO IT AGAIN. Easier said than done, but I had to really take it slow with my next relationship to make sure I didn’t make the same mistakes. Just saying “don’t make the same mistake” sounds super easy, but the truth it many people leave one bad relationship and walk right into another one, not really learning from the last one. Blaming their ex and thinking it has nothing to do with them is common. Yes, your Ex may be crazy or abusive, but you were the one who stayed. I did everything it my power with my next relationship to make sure it was healthy and grew naturally. I didn’t want to just repeat the same thing with a different person.
