When I had suicidal thoughts: 5 things I learned
Hi guys!
There was a period in my life when I had suicidal thoughts.
Here are 5 things I learned.
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This week, I’m a part of a fundraiser for suicide prevention awareness.
I was crafting a comedy set about having suicidal thoughts.
Because believe it or not...I have been there.
Thoughts were triggered when my partner passed away. We were together for five years. I just could not imagine my life without him, and I struggled with this for months. I went as far as to shop for a gun. I found a gun at a pawn shop for $300. Then I found a gun online for $75 and I thought to myself, “wow, it's shocking someone can just buy a gun online for $75
when in person it is $300, what a rip off!”
That's when I realized. I was so cheap I was bargain hunting for my suicide weapon. Which is so silly because if there was ever a time to put something on a credit card that would have been it. I realized that on some level I must have wanted to be alive because I was thinking about my financial future! Two, I gave a damn because I was thinking, gees a gun is a really messy way to go. That would suck for someone having to clean me up.
Here is 5 things I learned:
5) I am really glad I stayed.
When Michael died I really thought there was no way that I could find happiness again. Since Michael died, I've had so many amazing experiences. Experiences I would have missed out on if I had taken my own life. I have new friends. Tried food I had not tasted before, visited places I had never been. Plus, a book I hadn't written yet. I have lovers that I have not loved yet. LOTS OF THEM HAHAHA
While losing Michael was incredibly hard, it didn't have to be the end for me. But when you are in pain, your whole world feels like a zero some game. When I started researching pain, this is what I learned…
4) When you are in emotional pain, there are two mechanisms:
Pain makes it feel like it will last forever.
Pain makes you feel like you are alone in it.
Both are illusions.
In this society, there is a shame around being in pain. If you are in pain, there is something wrong with you. So many times when we are in pain we put on a smiley face and the pain feels like it's never going to end.
This is simply not true!
It can come and go but when you are in it, it can feel vicious.
So...
3) I learned to try to make decisions when I am not actively in pain.
You know how some parents do this. The child is having a bad day at the swim meet. You know maybe they came in last or lost their bikini bottom and are embarrassed in front of the team. I don’t know... do those things happen?
Anyways...
Some parents create a rule like; you can quit but not because you have a bad day. When we are in pain, we are acting in reaction to the pain and not necessarily taking the action we want to take.
For example, you may feel like you want to eat Crème brûlée.
When you are really hungry and you are feeling the pain of hunger,
do you think you are actually going to wait for the Crème brûlée to arrive?
When you have a nasty burger sitting in front of you?
You'll eat the nasty burger because you are so hungry.
So, it’s a good thing to make decisions from a place of non-desperation.
If you are in pain, I get it…it can be tough, but you want to make a decision based on what you want.
2) It is possible to be happy again.
I really did not think that I could be happy again without Mike. I really did not. For a few months there I tried to over work, over eat, over sex,
overdo drugs. Anything, because I genuinely did not think that I could gain happiness without some kind of action.
Now three years later...
Joy is possible. We do heal. While I miss him, there is a new equilibrium.
Life is worth it and bearable and wonderful. So if you are going through a dark moment, it can be something to consider that you could be okay.
1) You are not alone in this.
I think the number one thing to know when you may be feeling suicidal is to know you are not alone; truly many others have felt the way you do. Many others who are currently struggling the way you are. There is nothing wrong with you, nothing at all.
Feeling like you are alone in your pain is the biggest lie that your pain tries to convince you of. If you get anything this blog, I hope that you know there is nothing at all wrong with you.
Understanding this for me was huge. I wasn't broken. I wasn't unfixable. I wasn't crazy. I was human experiencing something and lots of people share in my experience. I had hope to feel like I was part of the collective experience.
I hope that this post brought you some comfort and I will see you next week!
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Aidan Park
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