To love myself - Five things I learned

In order to love myself, I found the first thing I had to do was acknowledge and grieve the loss of hating myself - Five things I learned

Denial
In hindsight I spent a long stretch of life wrapped in the coziest sleeping bag of self hate. I didn't realize that my emotional processing center had disdain colored glasses. And my coping mechanisms were designed to keep me in the same state of being and consciousness I had always been in.

I didn't realize that even if I was actively trying to "be a better person" I wouldn't go very far without trying to be better to me. A majority of my decades walking the earth I actually believed that all I needed to do to become a well-adjusted adult was to know my worth — hold down a steady job and to memorize an inspirational birthday card quote as a daily affirmation.

I was my own Fuck boy.
I didn't realize that I was merely saying that I loved myself, and it wasn't enough. Through therapy I have learned that I had no follow through. Loving myself couldn't be as simple as declaration and intent. I had been mistaking comfort and the concept that I deserved self-love as the actual act of loving me. I didn't really grasp that there were active decisions that need to be made each day that show me and others that I invite into my life that I love myself, and how they can actively show me they love and respect me as well. I wanted to show love, but since I didn't know what that really was, I routinely made my life decisions based first and foremost on someone else's needs. Then I would run their needs through my, "How can I compromise my needs to get them what they want?" filter.

Anger
Being drenched in my self-hate denial, pervasively lead to an undercurrent of anger. Since I didn't love myself, I was not requesting or holding some loved ones accountable to do so either. My denial left me trying to work harder to earn love and possibly even earn treatment that would feel more comfortable and palatable to me. I thought if I just worked hard enough, people around me would see that I am worthy too. I didn't realize that this was a formula creating circumstances that would drive me to the opposite side of my goal. Giving first and foremost left me emotionally exhausted and malnourished. I was walking around on empty and my patience and consideration became depleted as a result. I would snap, become easily overwhelmed and cognitively meltdown. Or even worse - say hurtful things I don't mean as a way to protect myself from who or whatever was hurting me in the moment. I see now this would leave me ashamed of how I conducted myself. It would lead me to even further lower my value to myself and keep me in the self hate cycle. I would mentally disassociate from my body to get through the day to day, for years at a time. I was the captain of a dysfunctional canoe barreling down Codependent River with one paddle.

Bargaining
Not ready to believe that I still hated myself; I was left having to maintain the self-love exaggeration to myself. I would indulge and focus on building up all the things I loved about myself or thought was redeeming while pushing the negative and the empty void to the side. I guess the subconscious theory that over loving my physical features would balance the hate of my soul out? Unclear.

Workaholism was and is a lovely crutch.

The more I indulged in my favorite "Ism", the more I would be validated through financial reward, stability and opportunity. I think the truth is it's hard to not do what one has always done. Even being told that there is a different way to do something isn't always enough information on how to do the course correct. What are the steps to use to put that different way into motion? I thought I had been protecting myself with the decisions I made before so it's not like I knew I was making decisions that were leading me to perpetuate my own cycles.

Depression
My depression periods are low, long and destructive, and there was no difference in this while grieving my hate crutch. My bouts of depression are generally mostly destructive to my liver, self-esteem, and metabolism. That doesn't mean there weren't lost relationships and friendships as a result either. High functioning depression is confusing for the people around you not experiencing it. They can't see the work behind the scenes that goes into just living. I can get how I "appeared" okay by holding a job and long term relationships, so my depressive behavior is also experienced as intently willful, hurtful or rude. I entered therapy after realizing this pattern and have become more aware of my need and the benefits of managing my reactions. After a stretch of time with my depression at the wheel, I gathered with a group of friends that I have been blessed with for 20 years. They saw the state I was in as I walked through the door and gave me an impromptu intervention.

It was time for my hate crutch to go. It had grown so strong from use over the years, that the force from my self-flagellation had started to seep out and concern people around me. The people who loved me. The people I wanted more than anything to bring joy to. The people who wanted to see me happy could only see the ways I would wield that stick into making decisions. Decisions that were not leading me closer to peace and contentment. In that moment I could no longer be in denial of grieving the loss of the comfort of hating myself. At that moment, I knew I didn't know how to be proactive and look forward, but I could never look back.

I couldn't look at the amazing support system around me, people who believe in me and tell them when I'm at my lowest, their support was wrong.
To quote Aidan himself, "Girl, I am not stupid, and I trust your advice, so you can't tell me Im wrong about you."

Acceptance
Accepting my comfy throw blanket of hate has to go isn't just as simple as accepting I have a problem. Acceptance is knowing I will sometimes fumble at loving myself. Loving myself is learning how to mark boundaries; to put an end to my self-destructive commitments and behavior. I had to accept I not only deserve, but I need letting myself experience alone time. I need letting myself experience the luxury of the benefit of the doubt and forgiveness.

In learning to break the cycle of self-deprioritization, I have learned I have the tools to accomplish what I put my mind to. I can trust myself and should listen to my instincts. I have learned that sometimes there is a way to work "too hard" to make a relationship or creative project work. I have learned that walking away at the risk of allowing something to fail for my well being demonstrates the same strength to take something to the finish line.

I've learned I don't have to justify an opinion or beg to have a need met. If something doesn't work for me, I am allowed to change course without all parties involved coming to an agreement. I have learned I possess the power to establish the reality that I can thrive within. I now have an idea that I deserve to count my successes as much as I do my failures. That it's okay to not always know what to say or know how to help someone.

It's okay to face that at times I'm the asshole and every blue moon perhaps I am not. I have learned that sometimes I have to hurt or disappoint someone I love, to love me.

Writing this is a scary commitment of sorts. I may still be a piece of trash that doesn't absolutely know how to love myself. Here I am declaring to the world that I have learned something regarding loving myself???

The new me re-frames things through the art of YAY! I remind myself that the act of love isn't NEVER experiencing doubt in my self. I need to protect myself from indulging in my self-doubt. I can love myself with every decision.

RIP self-hate, you served me well, and no longer.

By Jazzy Byner

IG @jazzybyner