Judging Others
Hey Guys,
Are you judgy? Do you want to stop being so judgy? In this episode of Coach Yay-dan I'll tell you how.
Before I forget, please like, subscribe and comment! Thank you!
Okay…I find that most of the time being judgy is not a personality trait. A person who is judgy towards someone who was wearing last year’s fashion can totally be okay with another person who is mean to someone. Someone who is judgy about bad drivers can totally be okay with someone else going to a strip club for his bachelor party and having a ‘go’ one last time. If you find yourself judging a lot, it's not that you are judgy. The reason you ‘judge’ a lot, is there are parts of yourself that you have not accepted and someone else is triggering your negative response to that part of yourself that you have not accepted. Sounds cheesy, but let me a tell you a story.
I used to HATE liars. I mean everyone hates liars, but I disliked all kinds of liars. For example: someone could say they ran into traffic and that they were sorry. When really they had a huge car accident and didn’t want to burden me with their drama. They thought they were doing me a favor. If I found out they lied, I would think they were untrustworthy. A good friend told me they liked bowling because I was having a bowling birthday party but in reality that friend HATED bowling. A year later I invited this friend to go bowling. This person forgot about my party and said to me, “Oh no, I HATE bowling.” “What? You told me you like bowling. Did you lie to me? How can I ever trust you again? How do I know you are not going sleep with my husband? After all you can lie about bowling so easy; why not everything else. Huh?” Because I hated liars so much, I would never lie. Someone asked me, “What are you doing Saturday?” (I was going to a party this person was not invited to). I told them I was going to a party, but I felt so bad about withholding info. So I said, “I'm going to the party that you are not invited to. I’m sure it was just an error and that she meant to invite you.”
Why was I so judgy? I'll tell you why.
In middle school and high school, I was living in my grandma’s government apartment. I hated myself for being gay. I had no emotional support, and I was bullied for being fat. I really couldn’t speak English super well either. So I figured that the only way someone would become friends with me was if I lied about myself. I told everyone I had a lot of money. I told everyone that I lived in an expensive home. I told everyone that I came from a line of royalty; all lies and everyone knew. I mean, I would buy my shirts from Goodwill and then forget to take the tags off. Plus, I never had money for the Beanery lunch line. So I would wait until they had left over meals for the free lunch line. I was too ashamed to eat the school lunches. After a while I realized lying was not good. When I decided I was going tell the truth I separated myself completely from the part of me that lies. And labeled the part of me that lied, BAD.
In fact, I was so ashamed about my lying that I would tell TOO MUCH OF THE TRUTH. I never told anyone that I used to lie. As a man in my 30s, I thought that if people found out that I used to be a liar they would make fun of me. They would stop being my friend. Once I found this out about myself and told people that I used to lie no one gave ANY HECKS. Friends would say to me, “We all lied in middle school.” I was like, WHAT?!
Then I thought about myself. I started feeling that feeling of when you are in so much pain when you are desperate for love and lie. I started having compassion for the part of myself that was a liar. Looking back I was just desperate to be liked. Recently, I encountered a socio path liar. This guy I met was trying to sell me about a TV show he sold to Netflix. He promised me a producing job but in the end, there was no show and it was just his way of trying to get me in bed. I had empathy for him. He must feel so bad about himself. He doesn't believe that he himself is good enough to GET HIS FINE PIECE OF ASS. I have compassion for him because I have compassion for myself. I went through the same type of situation of feeling bad about myself. I didn't call him out. I just backed away slowly. He didn't do what was right, but I get it, because I get me.
Here is another more extreme example. I was molested when I was young. For years, I thought it was my fault. Somehow, I thought that my overtly sexual nature created this situation that would induce this kind of abuse. So I said to myself, "SEXUALITY IS BAD.”If you look at my earlier work, you can see it. There is no sexuality. It's as if I’m asexual; almost a caricature of a person devoid of sexuality. Trust me I let it out behind closed doors, loudly. I didn't want the public to see it. It makes sense I found myself judging people who lead with sexuality; people who were free in their sexuality. How could they do that? Don't they have any dignity? What are they thinking? I made an enemy of my own sexuality and therefore someone who is free with their sexuality was demonized, and it triggered my personal distaste for my sexuality.
DEEP.
So I gave compassion to myself. It's not my fault that I was molested. I was four what did I know? I started telling people about me experience. And what was everyone's response? Did anyone say? "Aidan, it was your fault. You were four years old and your age was the root cause for being molested.” NO, THAT'S RIDICULOUS... But that's what I thought the entire time.
Once I started de-shaming and embracing those parts of myself that I had demonized, the part of me that wanted to be loved so bad that I lied, my sexuality that I villainized and throw being a gay teen living in a religious household in to the mix and you have a perfect storm.
The key to being less judgmental is discovering what part of yourself you are judging as wrong. Then de-shame by sharing your story where you feel safe and show compassion for that part of yourself. It really does come down to: love yourself, have self-compassion, self-love.
What part of yourself are you holding as unacceptable? What part are you ashamed of?
Identify and integrate that part of yourself, love that part of yourself and watch the judgements MELT AWAY....
Love you guys have a great week.
Aidan
