Managing Loneliness
Guys! It's Valentine’s Day this weekend - WHOOPIE! For some of you it's going be a day of sweet sweet lovin’. For others, a reminder of lonely existence; especially during a time like Covid.
In this episode of Coach Yay-dan, I will give you tools to use to help lessen that lonely feeling.
Before we begin our journey to authentic joy, please like, subscribe, comment, and share!
First of all, if you feel lonely, it’s ok. I’m glad you’re here. Here’s the point where I might lose some of you.
The way to feel less lonely is NOT by fixing the world around you. Instead, you need to be willing to fix yourself. People hate hearing those words. I find one thing frustrating in the empowerment world; most people want some kind of action plan to FIX their world. Instead, people need to fix themselves so they may create an action plan that works for them. An action plan that will present beneficial results over and over.
I get it, looking within is hard. People would love to convince us that the problem is OUT THERE. So we keep spending money to fix the problem that is, out there! For example, put on this eyeliner and you can magically look like Jennifer Lopez. Then, a Tom Brady looking rich guy will sweep you off your feet, and off you go to a castle in Europe. You’ll get married, have babies and live happily ever after with dancing clocks and teacups and rugs and candelabras...
The world would prefer us to believe that money is king. To “fix” your negative thinking you need to invest your money into fixing the tangible.
The problem is, you can “fix” all you want…but if you are looking at the world through glasses that are out of focus, you will continue to see blurrily. Society does not to encourage you to look within cause they can't make money off of you doing that. The world would like you to think your flat hair is a problem rather than your lack of self-worth is a problem. Companies can't sell you self-worth. But Pantene Pro V will fix your hair for 7.99 per bottle!
It's the same with loneliness. It's not an issue of not having a partner or lack of family, or even Covid really.
Loneliness is not about lack of physical proximity. Loneliness is about a lack of being seen for who you are on a deep level. You can be in a Brady Bunch house with Marcia and Jan and Cindy and Alice and Bobby and okay now it's a challenge... the dad's name... Greg? MIKE? Bobby... Who’s the little one? The point is you can be in a house full of people, and you can feel totally alone.
How?
You might be gay. And you don't feel like people will accept you because you are gay. So you hide that part of yourself and you put up a front to your family. Guess what? No matter how many trophies you win playing football to prove your masculinity, no matter how much your family loves you for whom you are presenting yourself to be, you will feel lonely.
Why?
Because there is an aspect of you that you are hiding and deep down you will feel like you are not loved for who you really are.
You’ll feel like you’re only lovable if you present a certain character that is really not who you are. So you will absolutely feel alone.
Because you believe that who you really are is unlovable; AND THAT is loneliness.
Let's go with something simpler…
A little girl might really be into cooking and domestic stuff. Unfortunately, she was born to a mom who feels like she wants to make sure her daughter is independent. She wants her to feel like she can achieve and do anything. But she also feels that the way her daughter can display that independent power is by career achievement. The mom might POO POO her attempts at cooking. She might say things like, “Why do you want to do that? Don’t you want to be more than a housewife?” The girl might think she is unacceptable for who she is and so she had better change. She may make a decision to not show the side of herself that loves cooking, and homemaking stuff… she may separate herself from that identity and put on an acceptable mask. Years go by and she doesn't grasp why she's always lonesome. It's because she's removed herself from that part of herself that wants to be accepted. That part doesn't go away. She’ll never feel recognized for who she is because she has to disidentify and keep secrets. She experiences the world with a mask on, knowing that she’s not living true to herself. OOOF. That is lonely.
So what do you do if you are in a similar scenario? If you identify any part of yourself that you are ashamed of, I would start the de-shaming process by sharing with a good friend, a therapist, even an online forum like reddit. I guarantee other people feel the same way. Once you find that you are not a weirdo or a freak for feeling the way you do, then you start to embrace that part of you. Honor it.
Go on dates with a man if you are a gay man. Go and cook to your heart’s content.
I felt like I was unacceptable being Korean. I thought that since I was now in the US, I’d better disidentify. I felt shame for being Korean. I found it very helpful to let people know that I felt shame. I made Korean food. I watched Korean dramas and honored that part of myself.
That is how you overcome loneliness. If you are whole, loneliness is not going to be as big of a player in your life; because you love yourself.
There is barely a separation within yourself. Loneliness is a separation from which you are. Learn to take care of you and de-shame who you are. Watch what happens!
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Aidan Park
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