My father was dying; US immigration would not let me attend his funeral in Pakistan - 5 things I learned
Things I learned while my father was dying and US Immigration wouldn't let me attend his funeral in Pakistan
Guest Blogger: Comedian, Producer, Actor, Mona Shaikh
5. The pain will change you...for better if you choose to
Losing a parent is traumatic. Its even more traumatic when you had a tumultuous relationship with them because there are closures to be had and wounds to be healed. In 2005 I was in the midst of getting my immigration date to get my greencard and move on with my life. Everything was going as planned and then I went for my interview date and the immigration officer dismissed my case in under 10 mins as I saw venom in her eyes for me. He name was Officer Nieves and she was a racist, hateful bitch who hated Muslim immigrants. You see being born in Pakistan a muslim country was on America's shit list and sadly I was caught up in the mess of the tragic events of Sep.11th, yeah I know I'm not even Saudi but Islamophobia was huge at the time and people like me were bearing the brunt of it. So the immigration officer dismissed my case and gave an interview date for 2008...that's right I would have to wait 3 whole years to be considered possibly again and then possibly be rejected to leave the country. That's a real fear for most immigrants who come here like myself seeking a better life. My father was visiting us during summer for a month and went back to Pakistan during Ramadan without my mom while she stayed in the US with my brother. On the last day of Ramadan, he collapsed by himself at home of a major brain hemorrhage, no one could locate him and after 3 days of lying by himself my uncle finally found him and only 2% of his brain was left. The pain of not being able to travel to see him while he laid dying in the hospital...killed me. Especially as comics we have super active imaginations and my mind kept playing him lying in the hospital and the moment he collapsed... on a loop. Kinda like an annoying song by Kesha that keeps playing in your head and you wanna shake it off but Kesha is out for blood and the song is relentless. The pain of not being able to travel and say goodbye to my dad one last time taught me to raise my standard of life, to treat everyone with love and respect and if I hurt someone to resolve it right away, to not hold grudges and to make peace with people in my life because you never know when death will come calling your name. Bottom line, open your heart, be compassionate and love with no conditions. It's hard but gets easier the more you do it.
4. Confront your demons
When my father died I was married at the time to an abusive man. He demeaned me everyday because he reminded me of someone? Oh yeah my dad..since he was the same way with my mother. When my father died something inside me said, you don't need to be with this man anymore so find a way out. It was absolutely terrifying to leave a man I had been with for 9.5 years...death felt like the only way out but then something interesting happened. That need to correct that fucked up relationship, died with my father. I know sounds terrible but I found the courage and heart to find a divorce lawyer, a new place, a moving company and a therapist to heal myself and get the support I needed to get out of this abusive relationship. Fear is a liar! That's what I've learned all these years. You don't know what you're capable of until you challenge your demons. It was one of the best decisions I ever made! When they say how comfortable are you with being uncomfortable? What they mean is challenge your demons and even if you're absolutely terrified you do it anyway because that's the only way to the life you deserve.
3. Not being able to grieve with your family but still find a way to heal
My family and I have never been on good terms mainly because there was a lot of physical, emotional and spiritual abuse in my family. When my father was dying and died, we as a family never grieved together. They say that weddings and funerals bring people together..yeah my family did not get that memo. I never got to grieve with my 4 older brothers and vice versa. But I did something in my naivete of grieving my fathers death, getting a divorce not too long after his death and moving out...I found amazing friends who were kind and loving to me, I went to therapy religiously to heal myself and I consistently worked out to keep my mind and body in shape. My happiness is no one's responsibility besides my own and I take the business of happiness very seriously. I don't have a family thats ever been united so the collective healing wasn't gonna happen for me...so I found my own way and it's worked for me.
2. Forgiveness is key
Shakespeare once said: He who dies, pays all debt. Well maybe he forgot to mention how much of a damage did they do before they died? Like we all know Hitler never made that list and nor have corrupt leaders who've caused so much death and carnage around the world but I digress. When my father died, I through the help of therapy found a way to forgive my dad, let me be clear not FORGET but FORGIVE. Before my father left for Pakistan while he was visiting us during summer, I confronted my father of all his wrongdoings...and honestly it fucked him up. He locked himself up in a bathroom and his blood pressure was skyrocketing so I made the trip to see him in NJ where he was staying with my brother so he won't have a stroke (he had suffered one the year before) and made peace with him. In his own conservative Pakistani Muslim dad way he cried and grieved his own unhealed childhood with me for the first time...probably in his entire life. I was happy to be the witness to that moment and I honestly forgave him. Just like that...part of me healed and we made peace. You will find peace if you dare to open your heart and let go. It's a lot better to forgive then to sit in that venom year in and year out as it rots away your heart. Your heart is too precious, use it for what it's meant for....LOVE and Forgiveness.
1. Persistence and determination helped me win against US Immigration
When my father was dying I begged the US Immigration to let me travel and say goodbye to him and the immigration told me straight out, you leave and you can't come back for 10 years. They said even under such terrible circumstances we are not willing to show compassion. So when my father died and I never said goodbye to him, a fire in my belly lit up and I for almost 5 months from the time he was dying to two months after his death did not leave any stone unturned. I contacted as many organizations, civil rights, lawyers, immigration contacts etc to expedite my interview date from 3 years to immediate. I would call, email, text and do whatever it took to get some kind of contact to the NY Immigration office. Finally after 5 months of hardcore persistence, an organization got me in touch with the head of US immigration who personally wrote me a letter apologizing for the pain I had suffered at the hands of the immigration officer who rejected my case on bullshit basis and simply because I came from a Muslim country and got an interview date in Jan 2006 while my father had passed away in Nov 2005. I did my interview in Jan 2006 and few weeks later got a letter in the mail...Welcome to the United States and your greencard is approved. I fought the US government and won. Even my own lawyer was beyond stunned since he had never seen anyone get a personalized letter from the head of NY Immigration offering to make things right. If you're determined, persistent and have faith...you can conquer and achieve anything!
