I have insecurities about the way I look - 5 things I learned
I have an insecurity about the way I look
5 things I learned
Live comedy is starting up live again. This week I went to Reno. I really wanted to have a good experience there because my last two times there were, kinda... ehhh...
Last time I was there was with a sociopath that I was dating, YIKES. The time before that, I almost hooked up with a homeless guy. Not that there is anything wrong with being homeless but lets just say it was a surprise. ALWAYS meet your Grindr date in public places!
Anyhooo...this visit, I noticed a new breed of comedians. I met energetic, empathetic, caring and supportive talent. I mean I have been visiting Reno to perform stand-up since 2012. It has always been literally 14 straight white guys and me.
This trip there were women, people of color and white guys too but the energy this time was one of love and care, which I LOVED.
One particular comedian stood out to me. Her name is Noel. She is a self-professed big girl. Her energy on stage was magnetic. Her confidence was undeniable. She has only been performing comedy for two years, but I really loved her spark.
So I invited her and her boyfriend, and Jim my Reno buddy over to dinner! We started talking about what makes her so confident. She said, “I know that beauty is subjective, and know I am beautiful.”
I was envious. I want to feel that confident about myself but I would be lying if I said I did. Here is the thing. I am not a bad looking guy. I’ve even done a bit of modeling. I mean for like, Walmart. I am stock model pretty. ha ha!! I noticed I didn't feel that way. After talking to her and doing a deep dive on my long drive back from Reno, here are five things I learned:
5. The acting industry can affect your self-esteem negatively
TV and film are visual mediums. Naturally you can get or not get jobs because you look the part of not. Literally you can lose jobs because your nose is too big or you have wide set eyes.
Literally I've been out on calls for "nerdy-someone no one would notice blends into the background” and "sexy guy our hero who just bought a Chevrolet.” I’ve been on castings like these on the same day. So I would dress up in an old t shirt for one audition and then change into upscale casual “J Crew” attire for the next one. This can mess with you.
One time, I went out on an audition for “scary skinny man.” I called my agent and was like…ummmm... I'm not scary skinny. I went to the audition and guess what; I booked the job. How? I don’t know. Does this mean I am scary skinny? I show up on the set, and they wrapped me in gauze so i wasn’t even seen. So it didn't matter? I mean seriously show biz can mess with you. But you know what? You have to have a strong center and belief in yourself like my friend, Noel.
4. Not everyone has the same idea of beauty
I run into this a lot. When dating, I run into a lot of men who are not into guys with no hair on their body. I run into some who don’t like Asian guys. I run into others who don't prefer men, and unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it. It comes back to, you can't lean on other people's opinion to feel beautiful. If you are on grindr and someone likes little people with triple fs, there is no way I am going to win. No matter how "conventionally beautiful.” It just doesn’t work that way.
3. It's not so much the "beauty" it’s the confidence
When I think of this idea, I think of Prince. Prince to me was not conventionally beautiful. He was like 5’5" and very skinny, maybe 120 pounds. But he was one of the sexiest men alive.
He owned what he had and exuded confidence around what he had. Was he for everyone? No. His confidence made him a magnet for those who were truly attracted to him. I think it is a beautiful thing.
My friend Noel had the same approach. As I spent time with her, she became more and more beautiful to me. I think because she had decided to be confident in who she was and that confidence is absolutely magical!
2) I must develop my own opinion of me
I don’t think I am for everyone bu I am a unique type. Stepping into who I am and loving myself will help me find those who feel the same way;
instead of marking myself as somehow inappropriate because I don’t match the arbitrary beauty standards of tom dick or harry!
1) It starts with a decision to no longer resist who I am
In many ways we are taught to resist who we are. I look in the mirror and sometimes I feel too tall. I feel too fat. I feel too Asian. I feel too gay. I feel too ugly. I feel I have too many wrinkles. etc etc
What would it be like to accept myself as just who I am?
I am 6’1" - Great. Can I not resist that? Can I come to love who I am for who I am?
I think it actually started in my childhood. When i was growing up I hated that I was a male. My mom and my grandmother had been so incredibly abused by the men around them
that they were very very angry at men. They would sit around and openly say things like, ”Men are scum they are terrible.” Understandable since grandpa beat grandma regularly, and my dad had a whole other family on the other side of the country that he kept from my mom.
The way they talked made me feel like I was an enemy and so I tried to dis-identify as a male. BY BEING GAY.
I am joking... ha ha there is no way I am not gay, trust me.
I think there is deeply held belief that I am to be feared or that there is something wrong with me. The reality is, there is nothing wrong with me.
I am a man. A big man. A strong man and a beautiful man. I choose not to look at myself as defective any longer. I wish to step into who I am and stand proudly.
Never mind what show business thinks or men I date or Instagram or my mom or magazines. I want to step into me. I think that is something incredible that I learned this week.
--
Aidan Park
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter!
