Becoming a you-pleaser instead of a people-pleaser: 5 things I learned
Masturbate more!
Just kidding. That seemed like the obvious joke here,and I couldn’t help myself. But also I’m not kidding. If masturbation is something that helps bring you to an understanding of your own worth, so much so that you don’t need anyone’s validation to feel good, DO IT.
For too long, I depended on what others thought of me, or what they could do for me to prove that I was good enough. At the age of 13, I told my parents I wanted to be an actress and I started going to auditions in Los Angeles. I was luckier than most to have parents who were willing to drop everything to drive me from the California Bay Area to Los Angeles for a 5-minute audition, but the constant rejection from a young age did quite a number on my self-esteem. Did I say I was an actress? Ha! I should really say child AUDITIONER because I never booked anything during those formative years. When your parents drive you 500 miles to book a job and you don’t get it, that pressure can really make you crack. It really made me believe that I wasn’t pretty enough, skinny enough, or talented enough to get what I wanted. All this on top of the fact that I was already an insecure teen. Lines blurred between my “career” and social life as I transferred the fear of rejection from casting directors into my personal relationships and started looking for validation from my friends and family. It led me to saying yes to people and situations that weren’t really aiding my highest self. My worth became SO dependent on the mercy of others that eventually I began to wonder why I felt so empty and devoid of purpose. My passion for living and love for the stage began to fade because I didn’t know who I was anymore. After discovering the invaluable tool of therapy, I decided that it was time to begin the journey within and allow myself to put me first.
Here are 5 things that helped:
1. Perspective shift
Change does not happen overnight, but it does begin with a thought. It’s significant to start shifting the way we think little by little and how we talk to ourselves in our own heads. A lot of my past self-talk revolved around not being enough. I would ask myself, “Why me? What makes me worth success?” These questions didn’t feel good, so I started reframing all my negative thoughts into optimistic ones by asking the right questions. “Why me?” turned into “Why not me?” For a while I had shame around being “self-centered, and that held me back from uplifting myself. I realized I could shift my perspective and see being “self-centered” as “self-loving” instead. As people pleasers, we are experts at putting ourselves last. Instead of asking myself,“What would others think?”- I started asking,“What do I think?”Asking the right questions will provide beautiful answers.
2. Make time for yourself
Now that you are learning to think the right way about yourself, it’s time to put these thoughts into applied action. That means making time for you and allowing yourself the room to be joyful in your own being. I read a wonderful book called The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron that was for anyone looking to find what makes them uniquely creative. One of my favorite things I took from her teachings was to make time to take yourself on a weekly “Artist Date.” It is a date you take yourself on to do something that you really enjoy. It’s best you do it by yourself to really start finding comfort in the silence of your own company. It can be a solo hike, grabbing a meal at your favorite spot, or even as simple as Netflix and chill with yourself. Whatever brings you happiness, do it! Guaranteed, when you start becoming more comfortable being in your own silences, you’ll start listening to yourself more.
3. Set boundaries
You are now thinking better and making the time to listen to yourself! YAY! I know when I finally started listening to myself, I became much more aware of how people and situations were actually making me feel. I was way more receptive to being in present moments of enjoyment. That also meant I was hyper aware of when someone or something didn’t make me feel good. I used to ignore the unpleasant feelings and just tell myself to suck it up, so as to not cause any trouble with anyone. I didn’t want to be “too much.” I realized that thinking I was never enough was based on the fact that I was afraid to take up any space at all. As you expand your inner self and keep planting new flowers in your garden of self-love, you need to start removing the weeds. You need to set boundaries around what does not serve you. Discover the power of no! You teach others how to treat you by setting boundaries. This can be one of the hardest parts of the journey because pulling out a deep root from your garden can be scary. Sometimes it can manifest as finally leaving that job or relationship you’ve felt stuck with. In my own case, it even meant cutting out some of my family which was very painful. But why would you leave a dead plant in your garden? Removing something from your life doesn’t always mean it’s gone forever either. Sometimes removing that dead plant is part of taking the necessary steps to replant it and see it bloom anew.
4. Healthy habits
Your garden is in full bloom now! All the butterflies, hummingbirds and bees that deserve to be in your garden are thriving with you. NO PESTS ALLOWED! However, a garden doesn’t stay alive by itself. We have to make sure to nurture it properly to maintain its beauty. That means implementing the consistent healthy habits in your own life to ensure we maintain the strength of our own self-love. Watering my garden has taken the form of therapy, journaling, exercise, and meditation. Having a consistent self-care routine of healthy habits helps you stay centered and grounded within yourself at all times. The roots in our garden will be unswayed by the winds of others. Not today!
5. Validate your damn self
When your garden is looking and feeling this good, you don’t need compliments from anyone else to recognize that! I’m not saying you should deny validation. If someone gives you your flowers in the form of compliments, graciously accept them. You deserve it for all the inner work you have been putting in! But it doesn’t mean you require this validation to thrive. Get in the practice of coming to yourself for validation. The single most empowering thing you can realize on your self-love journey is that you need look no further for that love and acceptance than from within yourself! Having a good support system in friends and family will always be invaluable, but there is liberation in validating yourself and your decisions before you reach out to another to get that verbal pat on the back. You can reach over and pat your own back, water your own roses, AND pleasure your own genitals. DON’T YOU FORGET IT!
By Comedian Nina Gosiengfiao
