Dating Advice: A “Good Heart” Means Very Little
Hi Guys!
Tough love time. This episode is inspired by many of my girlfriends who call me for advice. A good meaning heart means very little when it comes to what people have to offer in relationships.
So often I hear variations of these words: He’s unreliable. He disappears on me for days at a time. He tried sleeping with my friend. He is verbally cruel, sometimes. From his actions, he makes me question myself. He blames me for everything. He occasionally lights my cat on fire. BUT he has a good heart.
Okay, first of all I've been in a few complex relationships where the person had a "GOOD HEART.” I was in a relationship with a guy who was such a softie, and he really wanted to be loved. However, when he didn't arrive at what he demanded, he would verbally strike me where it hurt the most. After, when I was feeling hurt, he would cute it up.
He ended up cheating on me multiple times and still to this day nine years later he blames ME for the break up because I left him. After we broke up I was then with a great guy named Mike. When Mike died, I said that I was loyal to Mike until the end. He said, "I am glad you are loyal NOW.”
Even after all his flaws, he has a good heart. I know he does.But I ask you, should you stay with a guy that makes you question yourself? A guy who can cheat on you and is able to say things like the "I am glad you are loyal now comment." And by the way, the “loyal” comment was made to me just two months after Mike died.
NOOOOO. NOOOOO.
Of all the men I dated, I think this person that I speak of had the gentlest kindest spirit. But when people have a gentle and soft spirit sometimes, they are too sensitive which makes them defensive. They are in a perpetual fight or flight mode. If they have not and are unwilling to look within, they have a habit of blaming everyone else for their life circumstances. They will be a victim. They come with a lot of triggers and when you touch that trigger, boom fight for flight. We can’t expect perfection from everyone. I can be kind of defensive. I have my triggers for sure, but I know what they are. I’m able to give fair warning and if someone touches my trigger, I don’t resort to below the belt attacks. When people are so hurt they are not aware of their triggers. And they’ll blame you for touching their trigger. They don't even know they have a trigger. They just think you’re the problem and then hit you below the belt. These types of people can actually have a good heart, and it shines through from time to time. However, they have a defense up about their triggers; their unwillingness to look within to manage their triggers will result in a knee jerk reaction. And they hit you below the belt.
Here's a life lesson. A good heart is only as good as one is willing to allow the goodness to shine through. A good heart is not everything. Ed Gein had a good heart. Everyone said he was always willing to help out. He was so wonderful. And he chopped up women and made household items and suits out of human skin. ahhh.
Ladies and gentlemen! We are not seeking partners with a good heart. We want someone with the emotional maturity to take responsibility. To be honest, to be self-aware; to have enough confidence to look within. We want someone who has the tools of responsibility, honesty, self-awareness and the confidence to look with in.
Someone may visualize in their head how to construct a gorgeous house. But they don’t know how to use a pen, they don’t know what paper is. They verbalize what they desire in a house, the house is wonderful. Only it’s just an idea that lives in their head. We don’t want to be in a relationship for a brilliant idea or a great potential. We want someone who possesses tools and is capable at operating those tools. So we can essentially build a beautiful house together.
If someone is distressing you, gaslighting you, boiling bunnies, blaming you for everything, verbally hitting below the belt, don’t say you're sticking around because they have a good heart. A good heart is about as good as receiving a million dollars in a big locked safe but you'll never actually be able to use a cent of it.
Think about it!
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter!
