Managing Emotional Pain

Happiness Hack
Written By Aidan Park
 
 

If you are here because you are currently experiencing heartache, I am sorry. Whatever you are going through is very painful. There is no doubt you feel lonely and sad. You are not alone in your experiences of pain and loss.  

A few years ago, I lost my partner of five years. I loved my Michael James. We were soulmates and losing him was by far the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. However, I have learned very important lessons about grief that I want to share with you. These lessons might ease your suffering a little as you grieve.

Pain makes you feel separated from others and it feels like it’s going to last forever. We tend to feel that we are totally alone in our pain and we feel shame for not being stronger. That shame triggers a desire to hide away from others. This leads to loneliness, which hurts and which leads to more shame and then more loneliness and then more pain.

This cycle is prevalent in our society. We are discouraged from being in touch with our more negative emotions. In this blog, I like to encourage you to place your focus on what you can control but there's a step before that. It’s called acknowledgement. You have to recognize your pain before you can put it into perspective. This is not something that we as a society generally allow ourselves to do. We are told that we are strong because that's what people need us to be. We are left alone in our pain and so are they. A lot more people feel this way than it might seem. These people might not be posting about it on Instagram. I don’t blame them. Did I wanna take selfies at the USC hospital with Michael on his deathbed? Nah.

Often what loved ones do with good intentions, is try to cheer you up. They tell you to look on the bright side. Or they say what happened to you could have been worse. They point out how lucky you are compared to other people. They say that wasting even a second of your life on sadness dishonors the love you lost. They tell you to focus on the good things and the people in your life who are still here to love you.

However well-meant this advice is, it's stupid. Generally speaking, if you're grieving hard enough that it's noticeable to other people, you probably lost someone who was more important to you than most other people in your life. Being told to count your blessings is like losing a million dollars and someone saying, "But you still have several thousand. That's more than what a lot of people have. It could be worse."  Except that what you've lost can't be earned or stolen back. What you've lost is priceless and irreplaceable. 

All of this is beside the fact that joy is not an appropriate response to pain. Your friends skipping the first step of acknowledging that your pain is valid and natural makes you feel even more alone. Getting drunk and giggling at a romantic comedy seems impossible when your entire world is crumbling, but you feel like a failure for not being able to do participate. 

Pain is an inevitable part of life. Everyone I know who is over the age of 30 has lost someone important to them or has gone through some sort of emotional trauma. It is impossible to get through life without getting hurt now and then. Because our society puts such value on being strong you might feel the need to act like your pain doesn’t exist. But it does.

When Michael died, I wanted to be strong. I pretended like I was more okay than I actually was. Unfortunately, if you don’t allow the pain, it will manifests in other destructive, ways. In my case it was drug use, bad relationships and panic attacks.


So, what to do? The answer is simpler than you think: do nothing. Acknowledge that feeling pain is an appropriate response to loss. Also, it’s okay to express your pain. You just don't want to share it with the wrong people. Not everyone processes grief the way that you do. Even people who have experienced loss don't always have the best coping mechanisms. A lot of people try to power through their grief. A person who does not allow themselves their own grief is not going to allow you yours. 

If you have the patience, you can teach your friend what helps and what doesn't. If you don't, move on. Some of our friends are great to collaborate with or play tennis with, or go to the movies with. Friends who have the emotional intelligence allow you to be sad may be harder to find. If you're really struggling with that, try seeking out a therapist or a grief group.

Coping mechanisms are tools but not every tool works for every person the same way. Hammers and screwdrivers are both great tools but they generally aren't used for the same purposes.  "Walk it off" is good advice for a leg cramp but not a broken leg. Some tools for self-healing can be harmful if applied to the wrong kind of emotional wound.

How do you know which tools to use? Trust yourself. You are the greatest living expert on your own experiences. Yes, there may be aspects of your personality that you're blind to and that's where good friends and therapists come in handy. At the end of the day, only you can decide what works for you.

Pain and suffering are different. Pain is a reaction to misfortune. Suffering comes from injustice. The combination of pain and suffering is unbearable. If you don't do yourself the injustice of shaming and blaming yourself for feeling pain, you won't suffer any more than warranted by the situation. Give yourself the gift of empathy.

If you are here, you are doing great. You are allowing yourself to process your misfortune. I promise you, it gets better. Loss becomes a permanent part of you but it will stop defining you. You will still miss the person you lost, like I miss Michael but you can and will feel joy again. You're doing great. Be gentle with yourself.

Aidan Park
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