Lessons From My HIV Diagnosis
Hey guys! This week, I thought I would share my story of my HIV diagnosis. I felt tremendously alone when I heard the news.
However, with the help of outstanding organizations, I had a mind frame shift. I put together the following video for Face to Face Sonoma County. I feel that it can be helpful to everyone. So this is my vblog post for this week. Thank you!
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I’m Aidan. I’m a comedian, bestselling author, empowerment coach and I AM HIV POSITIVE. YAY!
Most of the time, YAY isn't a word associated with being HIV POSITIVE. I am YAY because I am beyond grateful for organizations like Face to Face. They’ve allowed me to gain access to care and mental health counseling. And, their teams work socially to combat the stigma around HIV. I attribute the work of nonprofit organizations like Face to Face for why I’m able to be a gay man living healthy with HIV for 16 years (gay, gay, but also gay as in YAY!).
Yeah, I’m gay. Surprise! Since I kinda look like a discount version of Keanu Reeves, do you know at the beginning of my comedy shows I have come out of the closet? Otherwise, people look at me during show and think OMG I sincerely hope he knows. I’m like 17 year old girl trapped in an Asian basketball player’s body. Except I can’t bounce balls. I can only bounce balls this way (imagine my hand, palm side up bouncing a ball with my fingers).
At my shows, I talk openly about my HIV. When I tell comedy audiences that I am HIV positive, people are so surprised; like worried surprised. I tell everyone to calm down. I have someone waiting in the wings with an IV drip just in case things take a drastic turn for the worse. I promptly tell the audience I’m healthy and strong. In fact, to calm them down I say:
“Hey listen, don’t worry. I am strong and so healthy. If someone were to come into this room right now and threaten us all with violence, I could definitely push you all out of the way to get out the backdoor first. I said I was strong. I didn’t say I could fight. I’m no Jackie Chan. I have muscles. I look I could kick your ass but these are Los Angeles muscles. They are just for show; like fake sushi in front of a Japanese restaurant; looks great don’t put it in your mouth.”
Because I look fit and happy people also assume that I had it easy. Like I as born to a couple of dentists in Orange County; which would present its own unique set of problems, actually. But yeah, I came here from Korea when I was nine. Don’t worry south! People don’t know the difference. One time this girl said to me, “Korea, isn’t that where that crazy guy is from?” I said to her,“What did you say about my brother?”
Anyway, my grandma raised me by herself in her senior government apartment. I had to sneak around. I had to be QUIET. Which is why I’m so loud now. I’m making up for lost time, and I was also undocumented. When I got diagnosed at age 19, I was living in poverty illegally in grandma’s apartment, I was jobless, aimless and HIV positive. I thought my life was OVER. It wasn’t helpful that people didn’t understand HIV. I think some people even today do not.
When I was first diagnosed I would tell my friends I had HIV. Friends would respond with stuff like this, “Aidan, I’m so sorry. You are gonna be fine. You are gonna be fine right, you are not GONNA DIE, ARE YOU? OH MY GOD YOU CAN'T DIE. YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME!” Then somehow, I would end up consoling them with words like, “There there...?”
I can't help it. I have motherly energy. I watched a lot of Lifetime TV movies. So whenever someone cries, I turn into that Kentucky housewife from church. "There, there hon, it’s gon be alright. We gotta die sometime. When Jesus calls…”I was convinced I was going to die alone. My biggest fear, isolation. My family didn’t even know I was gay and now HIV positive. I was sure I was never going to find love.
You know I had to double check. So I Googled:
“Are people with HIV lonely?”
Then I found message board after message board of lonely people with HIV. I was like, damn, so I am going to die alone. Well, at least I’ll have friends on the message boards.
Then I thought, maybe dying alone won’t be so bad. So I Googled:
“Who are some famous people who died alone?”
First result, Joan Crawford.
I WAS LIKE...
Well, she didn't have it so bad. This was before I saw her film Mommie Dearest. I literally thought, well she had great skin, maybe I can die alone with great skin.
Maybe they'll talk about it at my eulogy: Such a shame. His cheeks were oh so supple.
But luckily for me, in San Francisco there was a place similar to Face to Face called Asian Pacific Islander Wellness Center. They connected me to health care. And, they changed my life when they sent me to a therapist.
One thing I will say about me is that I am not shy. I will say exactly what I’m thinking. I never had anyone listen to me. So when I walked into therapy that day, I let it all out. The windows blew out. The news reported you could feel the quakes from the explosion all the way out in Stockton.
I just kept saying, “I’M GONNA DIE ALONE. I’M GONNA DIE ALONE.”
You know what the therapist said? He said, “You know, you could die alone.”
I thought, WHAT THE HELL KIND OF THERAPIST IS THIS? Aren’t you supposed to help me feel better? At least lie to me for god sake. What a quack. Then he said it again, “You could die alone. But take, for example, those people that work down the hall. They are HIV positive and they are happily partnered. Bill just got a new car.”
Then I thought, OMG, he's got a car in San Francisco? HE'S DOING GOOD!
Therapist Mark pointed out to me. While it was a distinct possibility I could die alone, I could also live a wonderful life, even with HIV.
So I went home and double checked. I Googled:
“People with HIV who live great lives”
Then I realized, Google is a search engine.
The results are determined by the language you give it.
Lonely people with HIV will net you search results and give you evidence for lonely people with HIV.
Happy people with HIV will net you results and give you evidence for happy people HIV.
All of this reminded me to make sure to keep my eye in the direction I would like to go and put my focus there. HIV programs like Face to Face can really support those who are affected by the disease and to help manage HIV. And people like me can be afforded this wonderful life.
These organizations not only offer support for health but I think even more important, they offer HOPE and knowing that we are not alone in this fight. Thank you.
GET A COPY OF MY BOOK HERE!
BEING GRATEFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE VLOG
HAPPINESS HACK FOR WHEN YOU FEEL BLAH VLOG
DONATE TO FACE 2 FACE HERE
