The Importance of Valuing Yourself
You want a hard truth? Here it is. You may be the most valuable person on earth, someone everyone loves. However, if you can't identify how valuable you are, you are inevitably going to be dissatisfied.
In this episode of Coach Yay-Dan, I will tell you an example of how not actively valuing yourself can be potentially fatal.
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I've had a tough couple of weeks. A couple of weeks ago my friend Vince, took his own life.
I feel that if there is a higher power we were brought together by chance in a weird sort of way. Back in June there were Black Lives Matter protests happening in Los Angeles. I live in downtown LA, right in the thick of it all. Buildings were burning. Cars were getting smashed. People were getting shot. I said to myself, “Ummmmm… I’m gonna leave LA for awhile.”
I had to impulsively decide where I wanted to go. I remember when I first moved to the United States and our fourth grade teacher Miss Wong assigned us a report on the states. I remember thinking MONTANA. I don't know... I just moved to the US and so I don't think I comprehended what a state was. I’m pretty certain I merely pointed to the map and boom MONTANA. I think my report’s title was something like, Trees, Cowboys and Third Biggest State. I've come to learn that it's actually the fourth biggest state. I was a Korean student who could not speak English and apparently wasn’t very good at math either.
Anyway, I decide to leave for Montana. Off I go... I no idea where Montana was on the map. I end up in Missoula. When I arrived, I rented a bike. I never learned how to ride a bike so I taught myself how to ride a bike in Montana. I crashed into poles, children, walls and elderly people; my apologies to the town of Missoula.
After Missoula, I ended up in Kalispell, Montana. Literally, right across the street from the Red Lion hotel where I stayed a Black Lives Matter protest was happening. The BLM protest looks really different in Kalispell Montana. 60 percent protesters and 40 percent of people who were just like, carrying a shotgun. Overall, 99 percent white people. I thought to myself, well I drove from LA to avoid chaos. Yet, there I was in Kalispell. I’m one of the only ethnic people there and people are carrying loaded shotguns. And guess what, at this protest people told me that they were there to protect against out of towners, yikes. Here I am this TALL FLAMBOYANT ASIAN GUY. I’m great at a lot of things but not so good at blending in.
So I decided to take part in the protest. I go ALONE to the protest. I’m talking to people. I end up in conversation with these three people who teach the bible. They were like, lovely. I stood with them in the rain for like two to three hours. We talked about everything. I even told them I was once a prostitute. I figured hey, if they really love Jesus, Jesus hung out with prostitutes. He wasn’t too good for prostitutes. I figured if they were earnest Christians, they could handle it.
Turns out they were real Christians. After, at the grocery store they saw that the guy behind them had only one item to buy. So they paid for his item. Like I said, REAL CHRISTIANS. When the cashier told the guy the people in front of him had paid, he found them and said to them, “Thank you so much. Can I do something for you? I’m a comedian and I run a comedy show here in town maybe you want to come. I can get you free tickets.” To which they said, “That's funny, at the rally we just were in a conversation with a comedian from Los Angeles.”
Kalispell is a small town, but it nevertheless has a population of like 60,000. The chances of me talking to the very people who would then go pay for the groceries of a dude who wanted to be a comedian, so he started the comedy scene in Kalispell I think is incredibly unlikely?
The ‘comedy guy’ finds me on Instagram. He hits me up.
He says, “I’m a comedian in Kalispell. I heard you’re in town. I would like to meet you.”
I was like, “Well, I’ve survived the 300 shotgun guys. What have I got to lose?”
I meet him on a Sunday morning. He says, “Hi I’m Vince. I would show you around but I am on my way to play Dungeons and Dragons.” I ask him what there is to do in town. He says, “The Asian restaurant is open.” I say, "GREAT I COULD GET A JOB THERE?” Instant friends. That night after he was done with Dungeons and Dragons, he takes me to an open mic. He greeted warmly, introduces me to his friends, comedians, musicians and artists who clearly all love him. How do I know this? The restaurant gave him free shit. That's love. He also told me that his dream was to perform at The Laugh Factory. The Laugh Factory happens to be my home club where I ran Rainbow Pop for four years with my girl Sam. So of course I was like, “I can help you with that!” He was so excited!
Vince then said, “I'm gonna put together a show and pay you to come back to Kalispell.”
He did, he did just that. He found sponsors to pay for my trip. He got the Elks Lodge to host the event. I even got to bring my girl Angie to host the event.
Which was really helpful because Vince actually had never put on a professional show. He’d just put on showcases with local comedians, all five of them.
I meet his girlfriend Cara. She was sharp and smart with this wicked sense of humor. I met Sydney who lives upstairs all smiles all day and Nick who is a good friend of Vince. Apparently, Nick is legendary for having the biggest dick in Kalispell, which was affirmed to me by multiple sources in town. I met Shay this crazy hippie dude too. Then I meet the people who run the Elks Lodge. Colby is this artistic clothing designer who creates art with t-shirt makers and spray paint. There’s Chad who seems like the fatherly figure of the community and holding it down. Melody is this open fun woman, so sparky. Millie is an 85 year old lady who has been a member of Elks Lodge for over 30 years.
They were all at this show that Vince put together and I am in touch with all of them. All of those people who love Vincent. Those people I mentioned and I would never be in the same room had it not been for Vince's ability to bring people together. He had a true entrepreneurial spirit. He literally started a comedy community where there was none so that he could do stand-up comedy, that’s amazing. People loved and respected him as a member of the town. He was hard working, thoughtful, talented. He was my friend and someone that I was really proud to call my friend. I saw the light the he brought to every person I mentioned above and many many more. His ability to connect with people helped me connect to an entire community. People who said to me, If, Los Angeles burns down for whatever reason, stay in my guest room, stay in my basement, stay on the couch. I’m holding them to it.
When I found out Vince had taken his own life, I knew he had struggled with depression and anxiety. His girlfriend told me, the main reason he took his life was because he felt that by taking himself out he would be doing the world a favor and unburdening everyone from having to deal with him. That makes me deeply sad. The discrepancy between what we all saw in Vince and what he saw in himself could not be further apart. Everyone I talked to said things like, “He was always there for me.” “He brought the community together, he was so talented, he was so kind.“ Vince could not see any of this.
So that got me thinking. You can be the most valuable player on a team but if you don't see your value you could take yourself out of the game. You could score the most points but if you think that you are a burden you could quit the game to the detriment of the entire team. Vince’s death is a big loss for the community. He brought joy to his community in Kalispell. He brought in out of towners like Angie and me. He connected all of us and provided a forum for us to bond.
Sometimes I go through life and think the same, what am I good for? The Art of Being Yay is just that, AN ART. There is no one correct way to do it. I am not happy all the time. Like all of us, I have down moments. If I have learned anything from losing my friend, I learned this. For the sake of myself and everyone around me, I am going to recommit to making sure I am aware of the value that I provide. I’ll do so without the negative bias of a culture that confuses honoring of oneself with being a braggart or arrogant. This can be very difficult to do.
We need to make sure that we see our own value. If we don't , it won’t matter how much we have given. Our misperceptions of ourselves can lead to a path of deep despair.
I love you, Vince. I sincerely thank you for presenting me the gift of a new family in Montana. We all love you very much. I hope that you are free from your pain and at peace wherever you are. I also want to thank you for this valuable lesson. I will make DAMN SURE that I honor it and live true to it. I hope that now you can see your own awesomeness as clearly as we do.
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