Being Vulnerable in Relationships
This week I learned a big lesson about the importance of taking risks in relationships. Sometimes you have to communicate exactly what you are thinking, and feeling even if there is a risk of personal rejection.
In this episode of Coach Yay-dan, I’ll let you in on an example from my own life that really showed me the importance of my above introduction statement.
First, are you feeling Mercury Retrograde? Because OH MY GOD... Some people may think it's a joke. For me, Mercury Retrograde is absolutely real. For me, it shows up wherever I am weak in my life or if I have a ‘blind spot.’ The pain of those weaknesses or blindspot make themselves so obvious that I MUST RESPOND. Like you know, how you might have a wobbly chair in your home. When Mercury is in retrograde when you sit on that chair, it finally breaks and you lose your balance.Then you sprain your wrist trying to catch yourself from the fall. Then when try to stand you bang you head against a coffee table. THAT IS MERCURY RETROGRADE.
I will share something with you. I never told my mother I was HIV positive. Here's what happened.
Back in my early twenties, when I came out to my mom, her reaction was less than stellar. When I told her I was gay, she was so upset that she got silent and hung up on me. Later she told me she was so upset that she actually contemplated suicide. In 2008 when gay marriage passed, she called me and begged me not to marry a man. To which I said, “I can't promise that.” To which she said, “You would choose a man over your mother?” Like in a Korean drama.
Today, 12 years later our relationship is way better. However, I still felt she would not be able to handle the news of me being HIV positive. I say this, because if she had such a violent reaction to my coming out, how the hell is she going to handle the news of my HIV.
Recently, I achieved what I feel is my biggest career milestone. A couple months ago I published my book The Art of Being Yay! In the book, I openly talk about my HIV diagnosis. I was so terrified of hurting my mom that I didn't tell her the book was published. Not to mention, the most significant piece of all that it made it to the bestseller list.
A few things drove my decision not to tell her and because of her reaction when I came out I decided it’s unstable for me to be completely open with her about personal matters. Even though she and I are close at times up until recently there were times where we would bump heads. For example, I'd go to lunch with her and her friends. She would ask me to pretend I'm straight. This request really upset me. Also, I question why she did not take my relationship with Michael seriously.
I’ve expressed my concerns to her but sometimes I don't feel fully accepted by her as a gay man. So I decided not to mention my book to her. Except the release of the book has been a BIG DEAL in my life. The contents of my book ‘out’ me to the public. If I did not share my book with her, it would mean that she would be shut out from a major part of my life. She would never know that her son has a bestselling book. She would not know that I am passionate about my intention to provide a way for people to reach authentic joy. She would not know about my one person show, The Yay Wellness Show or how much Michael meant to me.
Here's where things get even wonkier. I started getting mad at her. I projected what I expected her response would be. If she had demonstrated an ability to accept me for whom I am, then I would not be hesitant to share these parts of my life with her. But as a result of our history around me being gay and since the book is out I found myself distancing myself from her even more; with very real resentment.
Then I looked at my Values List.
Which you can download. Go to the GET YAY page and sign up to receive your evaluation worksheet, Values List!
What is one of my top values?
AUTHENTICITY
I am someone who values authenticity. I advocate to my listeners the importance of living in line with your values. However, I’m keeping a part of myself from my mom and blaming her. How authentic am I in this situation? WOW. I found a major blind spot. So with much dread and fear, I called and told her that in my teens I got HIV from being a craigslist hooker and I wrote about it in my book which is now a bestseller.
Okay, I'm going to ask you to pause here and imagine saying to your mom. “Oh, hi mom, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you…”HOW DOES SOMEONE TELL THEIR PARENT SOMETHING LIKE THIS? Life is funny and unimaginable things happen. I can honestly say, this moment might take the cake as one of those moments that makes my life worthy of a Lifetime TV movie. Can you imagine? I can picture the title, Mother, I Got HIV From Being A Teenage Hooker - The Aidan Park Story.
It’s so much easier to literally tell everyone in the world about my situation. And after a tumultuous past history around uncomfortable topics with the person who gave me life, having to tell my mom was tough and gut wrenching. I felt like I wanted to die.
When I told her, she said, “I am sorry you didn't feel like you could tell me all of this. I love you, and I will always love you. I am so proud of you and no matter what I will always love you. I'm always on your side, no matter what."
Her response was completely different from what I thought. Based on when I came out to her in 2005 and her gay marriage response in 2008, I was still envisioning my mom’s reaction based on her response circa 2005 and 2008.
I instantly realized something. How she reacts to me is completely out of my control. I love her and undoubtedly know she loves me in her own way. So, I had to be brave enough to take the risk; a risk of facing a difficult or unwanted response. I had to provide to her an opportunity to decide for herself instead of preemptively distancing for fear of rejection.That is love.
When someone hurts you or you feel like they have 'stung' you it is your personal responsibility to communicate that hurt openly. Even if it causes you feel to vulnerable. Because it is a loving act to put your heart out there and trust that the person might choose a position of closeness. So it’s best to give the person the opportunity to decide and allow them to make their own choice. Instead of choosing to distance yourself in fear of them expressing a bad reaction, it’s best to communicate.
I'm not saying this is going work for me every time. I’ve had situations where I've willingly handed my heart over and I've been cheated on and a boyfriend died on me. I had in the past been betrayed but when we love someone we take the risk of a painful experience. Taking action that will foster closeness, openness, authenticity in a meaningful relationship is an effective choice. Keep in mind; they may not take the journey with you but if you dearly love them, you can take it up on yourself to meet them halfway.
GET YOUR VALUES WORKSHEET HERE
GET A COPY OF YOUR BOOK THE ART OF BEING YAY!
