Toxic Relationships
Have you ever been in a toxic relationship? A destructive relationship with an awful person who you feel addicted to? A relationship where you find yourself in the movie Broke Back Mountain saying, I CAN'T QUIT YOU!
In this episode of Coach Yaydan, I will break down what makes an addictive relationship and what you can do about it.
If you feel like you're in an addictive relationship, don't feel bad, trust me, I've been there. When it's good, it's really good, when it's bad, OH MY GOD, WHAT A NIGHTMARE. Usually unhealthy and toxic relationship dynamics are mixed in. If you feel like you JUST CAN'T STOP, you are not an idiot, you are not stupid. There is nothing wrong with you, stop beating yourself up.
In my videos I like to share a personal story to hopefully give you comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this roller coaster dynamic. I was in a relationship a few years ago that mirrored the pattern above. It started out GREAT. Let's call him Mel. That's what I named him in my book. Get it now!
Mel was a really nice guy with a strong business background. So being that I super nerd out when it comes to success and empowerment we hit it off right away. We started nerding out about sales strategies, leadership strategies, SEO’s. When we started talking about the pros and cons of a C Corp versus an S Corp versus a limited-liability company, I was like be still my heart! At the time I was building my business so it felt great to have someone affirm my instincts and he was cute. He was nice. He was smart. He loved my comedy and laughed at my jokes. He had a weird laugh just like me. I go hahah he goes hmmm hmmm.
So many great levels of the relationship. But I soon came to realize, he had a couple drinks in him and you never know what you are going to get. Once he had a drink sometimes, he was ALL over me with love. Other times he was all over other people and had a wandering eye even if I was present. I would ask him about his totally noticeable wandering eye, and he would say, “Nothing happened, what do you mean?” Over time I started finding out little white lies. Sometimes he would come clean and other times he reacted so big that we would have to focus all our energy on his reaction to my complaint. Instead of addressing the complaint itself. It was cray cray.
The thing about me that is great but also not so great is that I don’t know how to have a poker face. If something bugs me, you can tell. Plus, I already have a resting bitchface so when I was mad he would ask me what was wrong. I would hold out for a while until blowing up at him! At times, I would be able to hold out from a blow up and so we were always in a state of alarm, never knowing what we were going to get from one another.
As my distrust for him grew, I became more upset more of the time causing him to react passive aggressively by deliberately flirting with other people so I would notice. This behavior made me more upset. Then we'd have a make up session to BLOW BOTH OUR MINDS. We'd be nice for a day or two and the cycle would continue. Until we BROKE UP and I say broke up in all caps because it was a BREAK UP. One that involved a very silent five hour ride home from Vegas with occasional threats by him to jump out of the moving vehicle.
I am very very open about my messy situations from my past because I want to de shame things are that are so called SHAMEFUL. So here I am, helping people, speaking at schools, I wrote a book on self-development and I had that very messed up relationship. I put myself out there to say… “YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS PATTERN.”
What creates this addictive pattern? This can be very well explained through a study done by a scientist named BF Skinner back in the 1970s. His study was done on rats. He made it so that when the rats pushed a lever in front of them, they were rewarded with food every time which resulted in the rats pushing for food when they were hungry. Then he had rats who never got food from the lever which resulted in those rats never pushing the lever. Here is where things are weird. He gave the rats a food reward the first few times. Then they gave the rats food based in an unpredictable pattern.
The first three times the rats would push, and it would be: push, FOOD, push, FOOD, push, FOOD... then push... NO FOOD... push, NO FOOD... push, FOOD…push, NO FOOD… push, FOOD… push, NO FOOD. After doing this he slowly phased the food out altogether and you know what the rats did? They didn't stop, they pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed (like Salt-n-Pepa). The rats did not stop. They just check pushing. The experiment reminded me of what would happen to my mom and grandma at the casinos. They loved the casinos, like most good Koreans. Grandma loved casinos so much that she requested her ashes be spread at our nearby Indian casino. We were going do it until we found out it was a felony.
ANYWAYS... sometimes mom and grandma would hit a jackpot and hit a jackpot again. Then nothing, then nothing, then nothing, then nothing. Until they completely ran out of money! When someone is super nice to you in the beginning and things are GREAT GREAT GREAT, naturally there will be times when it’s not so great. A good relationship is when you have a bad moment you say to your partner: YOU ARE SO WONDERFUL. YOU ARE SO CUTE. YOU ARE SO SMART. YOU ARE MESSY. Then the messy person says, “Oh I’m messy so I’ll clean up better next time.” You both address the issue and continue so that a majority of the time you are in appreciation of each other, not opposition. In fact, there is a formula for this. Also in the 1970s Dr. Gottman and Robert Levenson did a study and found that in order for couples to stay together they needed to have five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. Couples that had less than this ratio of positive to negative interactions were predicted to break up with a 90% accuracy rating!
A lot of times things get worse and worse and worse until there are NO POSITIVE INTERACTIONS ALTOGETHER. But because we had a taste of the positive and we have been hooked by a period of intermittent unpredictable rewards, we stay. We keep hoping, praying and bargaining WAY PAST THE EXPIRATION DATE.
So, what do you do if you are in this pattern?
Scientifically speaking if you are already in the pattern, both of you must sit down and address the issue with the understanding that if the pattern of mostly negative interactions does not shift to a five to one ratio at minimum, the relationship may and can end. Both partners are required to be able to have the ego strength to assess the relationship fairly and own their own parts. Both people must WANT to improve the relationship by taking an active part in the process. If one partner is unable to own their end and they think the problem is solely the other person’s, this is called deluding oneself. If one person thinks the issues arise ONLY because the other is so screwed up that if they would be different things would be fine is also deluding oneself.
The reality is, a relationship is a dance. Both sides have to WANT to improve the relationship ratio. If you are starting out in a relationship, the goal is to create a safe bonding experience. One in which you both feel like if you push the lever you will get a call back. I had a female friend who was dating this guy. He was returning her text very consistently at first. Then was slower to respond. Then occasionally they would have a great interaction, then he would not respond. I told her, GURLL!!! if a dude is not consistent in his behavior, it means one of two things:
1) He's not that into you.
or two and possibly even worse,
2) He IS into you... and is aware of how intermittent rewards create an addiction in the other person and is doing this on purpose. People do when they play games! Either way, in the beginning of the relationship you want to look for someone who makes you feel safe with them consistently. And of course there will be the occasional inconsistency that you both address and correct for the future.
THIS SHOULD BE ON YOUR MUST HAVE LIST FOR A GREAT RELATIONSHIP:
1) Consistency in communication, because in the early stages communication is one of the tools we have by which to measure the likelihood of the relationship working out. If they are inconsistent from the start, they are going to be inconsistent way into the relationship.
2) BOTH OF YOU must show an ability to assess the situation fairly and own it when either of you are wrong. Both must have the intention of making a change for the better moving forward!
Honestly, if you don't have those two above points the relationship is kinda doomed. Yes, it's exciting to play slots and win the jackpot. It's exciting when the guy who ghosts you calls you back. The most important thing to remember is making stability and safety a must. You both deserve to be loved for who you actually are. Certain brain chemicals that get fired off due to intermittent rewards is not healthy. Then you’re just addicted to each other.
GET A COPY OF MY BOOK
VLOG on EMOTIONAL MOMENTUM
VLOG on RETICULAR ACTIVATING SYSTEM (part of your brain that can screw you)
VLOG on WHY YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY
