How to Deal w/ Feeling Bad After a F### up!
Okay, we all F*** up from time to time. If you say you never do you, you are lying sir or ma'am. Dealing with the emotional fallout from your mess ups can really mess you up. What do you do if you feel bad from a mess up? I'm here to tell you; feeling bad after you mess up might not be bad.
In this episode of Ask Coach Yay-dan, I will tell you why feeling bad after you mess up might not be bad, and what to do about it.
Let me explain what I mean. First, let me tell you a story. I’m 35 and I just learned how to ride a bike a few months ago. I never had a bike growing up, so I never learned. One of my dreams is to go on the Amazing Race. There is always a challenge where they have to ride bikes. So I said to myself, “Aidan, you need to stop lying to yourself if you want to win the Amazing Race, you have to learn how to ride a bike.”
So I borrow a bike from a friend. I am 6'2" wearing a bright white helmet, elbow pads and knee pads. I really don't want to get hurt. Then I try to learn from a friend's eight year old kid, Ivan. Hello!? And literally I'm screaming like Spongebob Squarepants in this culdesac. This woman walks by and watches me. Every time I fell she would yell, "YOU CAN DO IT, KEEP GOING." She thinks I'm Forrest Gump!
Every time I fell I got frustrated, annoyed, angry and jealous of the eight year old who apparently has no problem making turns. In the meantime, I run into some side bump thing over and over. Here is what I understand about situations like this. I am not SUPPOSED TO LIKE running. I am not supposed to like falling, and I am not supposed to like being showed up by an eight year old. And that's the damn truth. So when I mess up, I feel a negative emotion. I instantly say to myself, "UGHGGGGG I HATE THIS!" If I didn't care about falling and being humiliated, I wouldn't work to try to improve my bike riding skills. Guess what, eventually I learned to ride a bike. Just today, I rode through the mean streets of suburban Los Angeles, and I almost crashed only three times.
Why am I sharing this story? I feel like the world has become so active in trying to not feel bad. We forget that feeling bad is a great indicator that you are experiencing or doing something that you don't like. It is critical to allow these feelings. Not allowing these feelings means that something is wrong and therefore you should beat yourself up. That's key. Let me explain what I mean. I fall off the bike. I don't like falling. I could say, "I hate that I fell off the bike and I am going to work until I get a better result." OR I could say, "I hate that I fell off the bike. I'm such a loser. I am resentful at my mom for never teaching me. I can't do this. I hate myself. I should go live in a cave." And blah blah blah blah, and then feel bad.
We as a society don't like to honor our emotions. So what do we do? We make two big categories: happy emotions and unhappy emotions and anything that is an unhappy emotion we make an enemy. So when we fall off the bike, we end up thinking, "Well, I should just stop this, it's making me feel bad." or "Well, I shouldn't let myself get so frustrated, I'm an adult. I have no control over my emotions. I should do better. I suck. I feel bad over a bike ride what a loser." We beat ourselves up for experiencing a natural emotion. We are not supposed to enjoy falling off the bike. Falling off is supposed to be unpleasant. So it's okay to acknowledge your unpleasant experience as something natural that is happening as a tool for growth.
Let’s get a little more serious okay. Dudes, I just wrote and published a self-development book and I struggle with addiction. As I was writing my book, I relapsed.
Allow me to tell you, I DID NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL. I felt inauthentic, like I maintained no integrity. I felt like I wasn't being true to what I was preaching. You know what? The experience was actually great. Thank god I don't like relapsing. It's an indication that I need to make a change. I want results I actually want to cultivate. Thank you for this unpleasant experience because it tells me I am not living the way I would like to live.
This does not mean I say to myself, "I relapsed. I am a failure. I can never get anything right. I am a loser. I may as well just give up."
There is a big difference between these two.
1) HUH... I don't like the way this action is making me feel. I want to take a different action next time.
vs
2) HUH... I don't like the way this feels, and it must mean that I failed somehow. I should just give up. I suck and I am worthless and I am BLAH BLAH BLAH...
Two different positions. The first one is leveraging your natural emotional response to create a different result in the future. The second causes you to believe in something that disempowers you.
We are trained against negative emotion so much that we put them all in the same pile. And the way we're supposed to look at negative emotions is to react this way, "DON'T FEEL BAD. DON'T FEEL BAD.” We call our friends to talk, and they say don't feel bad about it. But you feel bad about it. Then what happens to you? You feel bad about feeling bad about it. But you don't want to feel bad about it, but you feel bad about it, so then you feel bad about feeling bad about it, and then we feel like a failure. I shouldn't be feeling bad about this, but I feel bad and so I must be a loser AHHHH...
The solution is to feel the feeling. When you log on to your computer and you see you have 10 cents to your name, it's natural to feel not great. Let that natural negative emotion be. Take an action that you think will give you better results moving forward. Your negative emotions when used properly can be such a great friend. In this situation making an enemy of negative emotions may lead you to think, "I have 10 cents, and I'm scared. I shouldn't be feeling negative god I'm a loser." That's unnecessary thinking. Or, "I have 10 cents because I can't manage money. So I'm a loser." Feel the immediate impact of the consequence but don't take it anywhere else.
There are situations when you mess up so big that the situation becomes unfixable like my HIV status for example. I was reckless with my body, so I became HIV positive. I did not like the fact that I was supposed accept my diagnosis. At the same time, I didn't have to beat myself up about it. And I didn't have to force positivity either. Also, I didn't have to make it mean that I am a loser and hopeless either. Instead, it was better for me to think, "Wow this sucks. I do not like this feeling at all. The feeling that has caused damage to my system. What can I do to mitigate this damage?"
Best, to allow your natural, very normal negative emotions to cultivate a better future. When you feel bad, make sure you are careful to feel bad in an appropriate and natural way, do not add extra suffering by hating yourself. Do not include extra suffering by beating yourself up for experiencing very natural negative response, at the same time don't say to yourself, "I'm fine." Feel the negative emotion triggered by the undesirable situation. Be grateful for it and use those emotions to move towards a better direction. Your negative emotion can be your friend. Negative emotions are part of your normal system. Please honor them in the proper way.
HOW TO HANDLE EMOTIONAL PAIN
THE NUMBER 1 FACTOR FOR A HAPPY LIFE
RETICULAR ACTIVATING SYSTEM (PART OF YOUR BRAIN THAT CAN REALLY SCREW YOU)
EMOTIONAL MOMENTUM
